I’m sitting here at work flipping through architectural plans, bored out of my mind and wishing I was anywhere else. My job is not fulfilling, wonderful, high-paid, or satisfying. It’s just a job.
And maybe, if I’m really honest, that’s what’s at the heart of my “I want to be a SAHM” issues. I don’t have a rewarding career—so why NOT stay at home?
How many SAHMs are SAHMs because their jobs sucked? Because day care cost way more than their measly jobs were worth? Because their careers were on a fast track to nowhere and they wanted a change?
How many moms really stay home purely for their babies?*
When I got pregnant with the big E, I worked retail in jewelry sales. I wasn’t a manager…or an assistant manager…or anything special. I made slightly more than minimum wage while standing around in suits and heels. You think I was going to put my baby in daycare and head back to THAT? Pfft! My job was a joke! I was more than happy to quit.
Those first few months of SAHMdom were a big wake up call. I didn’t morph into a saintly Madonna, and it wasn’t all daytime TV, trips to the mall, and afternoon naps like I imagined. I worked like a dog! I made huge batches of formula in the sterilizer, washed bottles and dishes by hand because we didn’t own a dishwasher, ran umpteen loads of spit-up and pooped on clothes every day, and rocked-soothed-entertained-fed a screaming newborn around the clock. Most days I didn’t even have a chance to shower. As for trips to the mall—please! We were so strapped for cash we couldn’t even order pizza.
I was alone for 10 hours a day. It was winter and cold, so I hated taking the baby out and dealing with coats and snowsuits and throwing blankets over her face. It was dark by 5:30 and the sleepless nights seemed to never end. I didn’t know any other SAHMs, so I sat around isolated and alone. THAT’S when the depression set in…and that’s when I had enough and found part-time work.
So, no, my SAHM motives weren’t pure and selfless. I hated my pathetic job, I wanted out of it, and being a SAHM was my out. I took it and got a lot more than I bargained for.
It’s not like SAHMdom didn’t have it’s perks. I never missed a milestone. I cuddled my baby and played with her constantly. I talked to her, sang to her, read to her, and had her all to myself five days a week. As she grew, I taught her MY values (not the daycare’s) and oversaw everything she ate, played with, and was exposed to. She was able to play with her own toys, take naps in her own bed, and have one on one interaction with Mommy all day. Hey, I did good work, and I’m proud of the 3 years I spent with her! I learned a lot and matured a lot during my time as a SAHM.
Now with this second baby, my motives have changed. I’m not looking at Work vs. Stay at Home in a self-centered way. Instead of asking, “What’s best for me?” I’m asking, “What’s best for my family?” Right now, it looks like I’ll be returning to some sort of work when the baby is 6 months old. We can’t afford to keep me home in SAHM luxury (yes, being a SAHM is a luxury) indefinitely. My paychecks—however small—are needed. It would be completely selfish of me to refuse to return to work, no matter what shiny, self-sacrificing SAHM label I tried to slap on my excuses.
My children would suffer because their parents would be swamped under a mountain of debts for decades. They would become bitter and resentful as their friends ran around with brand name clothes and the newest toys while I complained that we don’t have money—we have ME! (Isn’t that enough?)
(I know what I’m talking about…my mom stayed home for 15 years even though she had a teaching degree and could find a good job. My sister and I wore hand-me-downs and did without so Mom could take naps on the couch, watch Days of Our Lives, and be depressed. Believe me, I’m bitter.)
I’m not the type to shove my opinions down other mom’s throats—but I am the type who will challenge someone to re-examine their life and think about the decisions they are making. A little introspection never hurt anyone.
Was your decision self-centered or family-centered?
An honest answer might surprise you.
*This post was inspired by the drama going on in the comment section at my friend Jen’s blog, Maybe If You Just Relax.
