When this baby comes in late April, I will be back at home as a SAHM.
I’m so looking forward to it. You have no idea.
Call me a free spirit (or just accuse me of a piss poor work ethic—I’m good either way) but I max out on work after about a year. I get antsy. I wonder what else is out there. I search through job listings, send out resumes, and have to drag myself kicking and screaming into work every morning. What can I say? I’m just not a company man….er, woman.
I started this job when Elizabeth was running around in Pull-Ups at 2 ½. She toddled off to Grandma’s house 4 days a week while I drove happily off to work. After 3 years of SAHMdom, putting together quotes while sipping coffee in a quiet office was pure heaven. I loved it.
Until, in typical Jaci pattern, I hit the one year mark this summer. Now my job sucks, I’m dragging myself into work, and I swear if you could see me sitting at my desk you’d laugh to see me pouting. If I weren’t pregnant, I would be pouring over job listings looking for the next great thing. But since I am pregnant…I’m stuck. (Who hires the pregnant girl stretching out her interview suit? Especially when she tells you she only needs to work for 5 more months—max? Uhhh… NO ONE.)
Last night I laid on the couch and continued to pout (because it’s Monday night and my life sucks) and told Elizabeth that when the baby comes this summer, I’m going to stay at home with her. ALL DAY. EVERY DAY.
She got really excited (awweee) and I told her our life will be just like it used to be before Mommy went to work.
Blank look.
“You remember? Before Mommy went to work? I stayed home with you everyday…?”
Blank look. “No.”
NO?!?! What does she mean, NO? How can she not remember our Disney Princess Movie Pajama Days? And summers swimming on the deck? And finger painting and playdough? And our fun lunches when I’d ask her if she wanted her sandwich cut in triangles or squares and we’d draw E’s in our peanut butter and laugh? How can she not remember all that?!?!
(Because she was 2.)
Elizabeth ran off and left me on the couch, stunned. Since I was already in a pity spiral, I took a turn on the guilt trip—I went to work and my baby forgot me! I SUCK AS A MOTHER!
Now, 12 hours later, I can see the bright side in last night. I can see that the SAHM/WOHM debate really is pointless, because the babies don’t remember.
I don’t remember much of my life before 5. I remember playing with Rainbow Brite. I remember the day I broke my arm. I remember the thrill of finally getting my hands on a Teddy Ruxpin. And I remember spilling milk on my McDonald’s Happy Meal and crying in pure misery because I ruined it all and had to eat peanut butter. Annnd…that’s it. I couldn’t tell you what my SAHM mom did.
What will Elizabeth remember? Who knows? Maybe, if I’m lucky, she’ll remember a glimpse of me from her toddler years. Maybe I’ll be in the background of her memories of favorite toys. Hopefully she won’t remember the time when I lost my shit and screamed and yelled and cried over Moon Sand ground into the playroom carpet. (Let’s ALL forget that one, okay?)
In fact, I see the SAHM/WOHM debate as a debate over our own selfish choices. Yeah, we can wrap it all up with a Sacred Motherhood bow and swear on a stack of Bibles that it’s all about the babies—but it’s really about the moms. It’s all about how MOM wants to spend her time.
And the babies? Well, they all turn out the same in the end, don’t they? They all end up in kindergarten together and they all merge into the same, average, normal elementary school kids climbing on and off the school bus—no matter who watched them from 9-5 in their early years.
Maybe the real “work” of raising our children starts when they are at school age? When they are capable of learning, and remembering, and absorbing all the little life lessons we as parents can pass on? Maybe waaaay too much emphasis is placed on the baby years, and not enough on being an active, involved parent throughout our children’s lives?
Or maybe I’m just pregnant and talking out my neck right now.
Eh. Who knows?
16 comments:
I'm much more scared about raising Cleitus the Fetus once he/she is 5 years + than during the baby stage. Mainly because of the memory issue. Once they start remembering you can really screw with their heads.
I think you had an epiphany...and I also think you're right. When the kiddoes are in 1st grade or 5th or 10th...can you really tell who had a SAHM vs a working out of the house mom? And I would venture a guess that anyone who harbors ill feelings towards their parents because they worked all the time or because they were home but miserable all of the time tries to point it back to the stay at home versus work debate. But at the end of the day, I would say it's a person thing not a working thing.
eh...I'm babbling...
You've raised an interesting question! I think it does matter a whole lot when the kids are older, but I fully agree with Deanna before me -- it's about the individual. You could be a really crappy SAHM if you're complaining and miserable all the time (like mine was) or a fabulous working mom who makes sure her kids are taken care of and is happy and fulfilled when around them.
I am ROLLING over Loretta's "Cleitus the Fetus" -- wish I'd been witty enough to come up with something like that for mine!
No, Deanna, you aren't babbling at all! Each child is different.
Some kids are really clingy and want Mom around all the time. They're the type that love to come home after school and have mom open the door and ask them about their day over milk and cookies. They're also the type that will remember (with horror) that Mom worked and didn't have enough time for them and swear they are NEVER going to do that to their kids.
Other kids are more independant and slam their bookbags on the floor and mumble, "Nothing," when Mom asks what happened at school. They would rather have some down time in their room than chit-chat in the kitchen. Those kids are fine with working moms and probably grow up into Moms who are okay with working or SAHM.
It all goes back to the bottom line that each mom makes the choice that is the best *for her family*. What's good for one kid might be horrible for another.
You have a great point! They don't remember, you do, but they don't.
My mom worked, my parents were divorced and I was a latch key kid. According to "them" I should be an axe murderer.
I'm not. I think I'm somewhat in the vicinity of normal. Cuase it is about what you do with what you got.
I think you are exactly right and may even be writing an opinion for the women who chose to be SAHM when their kids are in school.
You make an excellent point! I Like it!
Melissa,
Maybe I did write a post from the other side, but I still can't relate to a woman who stays at home while her children are spending 6+ hours per day OUT of the home.
Being an active, involved parent doesn't have to mean you have to become nothing but a parent.
It's not just the memories you are making, it is the character you are building. That's something that E won't realize, but you will.
She might not remember you were home or what you did but the security and love that instilled in her will last a life time.
I worked,, she has no clue.. she's a grown up.. she loves me.. she remembers what was good,, forgets the struggles... and loves.. I think that's what kids do..all you have to do is get it sort of close..and they do the rest.. kinda like a puppy.. house break em.. feed em.. love em.. and they are yours for life.
This is a really good post. It's so true - my Mom was a full time student when I was really young, then worked and was a SAHM off and on through my childhood. I actually have had thoughts lately that the REAL time being a SAHM is important is later in life when they will remember and need more support. My son is 3.5 and I've been lucky to stay home with him, because I like it. Because I want to watch him grow, and take care of him. He loves preschool, and he has fun at the babysitter. And I know he'd be fine either way. Staying home isn't for everyone, I know some people who would go CRAZY and then their kids would turn out crazy too and that's not really good for anyone, is it?
You SOOOOOOO hit it right on the head. My decision to work is 75% about the star of my show - ME!
Next point, the little kids are in your face all the time and you feel like life can't get any harder. That Moon Sand incident? Seriously, you've only had one?
The DO eventually back out of your personal space but you've no IDEA what will be the next crisis. It will come whether you work or not.
Last point. And THEN after helping them through ALL their crises, will they remember ANYTHING you did to help them through? Dunno. But I'll keep trying.
The moon sand made me laugh out loud! We have a 4 year old neighbor that got that from a grandparent a year or so ago. We got to witness the outside only moon sand play time devolve into the mother of all tantrums. It was awesome.
I LOVE this article. I have a gorgeous baby girl who spends all day playing at my grandparents'. I was just thinking, and discussing this with a friend (who then pointed me to your article). It IS more about Mom not wanting to miss out on the babies growing up SO fast. Selfishly I would LOVE to stay home with her, but what might be the cost? We'd be making poverty wages...
So, for now, I keep a picture of the projects in my head to remind me of why I work every day...so she doesn't have to grow up there. haha.
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