What was on my mind, you ask? (What--you didn't read my post?!? Niiiice. Some blog friend YOU are.) My opinion of family members gathered around the Thanksgiving dinner table who remained SAHMs for 20 plus years.
Needless to say, as a woman who went to college and dreams of a satisfying career AND home life, I'm anti-SAHM-lifer. When my children are in school full-time, I will have absolutely zero guilt about working full time outside of the home. In fact, I'm ill-bred enough to be excited for the day when both kids are loaded on the school bus and I'm climbing into my car with my briefcase and a mug of coffee.
So, like any normal blogger, I sat down and wrote my real opinion:
"Don't get me wrong--I want to stay home with my babies--but I don't want to stay home waiting for my pimply-faced 7th grader to climb off the school bus at 4 pm. What is there to do all day? Dust the baseboards? Bake my own bread? Snoop through the kids' bedrooms?"
Clearly, real opinions piss people off.
In the comments people called me brutal, harsh, closed minded, ignorant...and some people who obviously just skimmed my post went off on me for daring to attack their sacred SAHMhood. (Perhaps I should have posted a huge bold-faced caveat on top reading: HELLO?!? I was a SAHM, and I'm not talking about SAHMs with young children. Nah. I still think the hot-headed skimmers would have missed it.)
I'm surprised at how many women were totally supportive of a woman choosing to remain at home indefinitely, well beyond their children's preschool/elementary school age. But more than that, I'm surprised that any blogger who stands up and says, "No, I think that's wrong and I don't plan on doing it," deserves to be tarred and feathered!
I'm sick of our limp-handshake culture where everyone is politically correct and no one dares to voice a true opinion about anything. Instead, we're all supposed to quietly sit back and apologize for our real thoughts, and cancel every point we make by tacking on, "But we're all free to live however we want! There is no "right" choice!"
That's bullshit. We all have opinions! We all think we made the "right" choice and not our neighbor who chose a different path! Personally, I'd rather be upfront and honest about my opinion than two-faced while whispering my real thoughts to supportive friends on the sly.
My writing is real (offensive or not) and I retract nothing from yesterday's guest post. I wrote my opinion, nothing more. And as we all know, opinions are like assholes--everyone has one. I'll take the phrase one step further and add *and everyone NEEDS one*.
45 comments:
whoo-hoo! Love it when you're "brutally" honest!
Word!!!
I read your guest post & I loved it! I think people need to be a lot more like you & just be honest. I dont have kids yet so maybe I dont get a say yet but I know that when I do finally have kids I will still be working full time. I cant see myself as a SAHM, it's not in me.
I could go on & on forever on this subject because my sister in law's a SAHM & she totally looks down on woman who work (P/T & F/T), which I hate.
Jaci,
Like Lin, I've not had the privilege yet of having kids. However, it just amazes me how many people get so offended at the SAHM/Working Moms discussions.
It's like they can't have a discussion without feeling as if their own choices are being hammered. Live and let live, I say. Just because one person (you) does it one way, doesn't mean that another person (SAHM) can't do it her way, and then both be okay with it. Too often, as you indicated today, people don't read the entire message, and only latch on to the parts where they feel they've been villainized.
I think you did a great job with your guest blog. I now have you on my reader because of it.
I read your guest post and I was delighted to see an opinion. Here's to actually having a stance regardless of it's popularity - even if it was the opinion of the masses, someone would find fault with it. And, while I'll take ANY opinion, it's also nice to see one that reflects my own.
I'll take it a step further...Opinions are like assholes-Everyone has them and they all stink! I'm a SAHM and I totally understood your meaning. I plan on going back to work once mine are in school!
Actually, people aren't upset that you have an opinion, they're upset that you wrote a post being nasty and judgemental towards people who make different choices than you. Why do you think what's right for you should be the standard for everyone?
If ya don't like it, don't read it!
@MamaMonkey: I read Jaci's post yesterday, and I found ZERO connotation that her ideals and practices were the best for EVERYONE.
AND
How do you know that "people aren't upset" about one thing or another? Did all of the "people" have a secret meeting to discuss why "they" are really upset? Are you this group's spokesperson, because if you are, I've got a bone to pick with you. I was not extended an invitation to said meeting. If I was invited, I would have totally said that I'm not upset with anything Jaci said. Maybe I feel that way because our level of sarcasm is similar, and I WAS a SAHM for 2 years. It just wasn't for me.
I think that throwing terms out there like "nasty and judgemental" are quite ironic because that's exactly how I feel about you. Judgemental.
Jaci:
Sorry I hijacked your comments. Keep on keepin' on, sista!
I just read the guest post and saying being a sahm for life is a wasted life is probably what pissed people off. Not that you have an opinion.
If that's how you feel that's how you feel, just don't expect everyone who 'wasted their life' to smile and nod while you state that.
To me, since you're so open on opinions, working 40 hours a week only so I can have name brand clothes, take nice vacations and eat at fancy expensive restaurants sounds like a very shallow and materialistic life....
did that offend you? is that not the full reason u want to work 40 hours a week once your kids are in school?
Maybe there other reasons people decide to be sahms for life too that you haven't thought of. Nor are you required to if thats not how u want to live ur life.
that's whats going on in my a-hole. Don't dish out polarizing opinions if you can't take the flack.
Mama Monkey and Melissa:
*respectfully*
I wrote about my grandma and my aunt--two specific examples of lifetime SAHMs who could have lightened their financial burdens if they had been willing to work. They were NOT willing to do that and their families suffered *financially* because of it.
Like Miss Tori said, too many people aren't reading what's been written and latch on to one or two sentences that they take personally.
I'm not saying my opinion should be upheld as the only way that's right. But if your children are eating cheap hot dogs, wearing Goodwill clothes to school, and your husband is working 80+ hours to keep you at home as a SAHM indefinitely--then YES, I AM JUDGING YOU.
Calling me shallow and materialistic for working in no way offends me. There's no shame in working to pay the bills.
I am open to other opinions. But just because I listen, that doesn't mean I have to smile and nod and keep my mouth shut.
my opinion has always been to stay at home IF YOU CAN when the kids are young. when they are back in school? Get your ass back to work.
I love the controversy this post has caused and how defensive the sahm "lifers" get. If you are happy staying at home, then stay there. Personally after several days at home with my daughter I can't wait to go back to work and stimulate my brain.
I couldn't agree with you more. I totally intend to work more when my kids get older. I can't imagine staying home with them all the time while they are young and even more then they are older. What in the world would one do all day?
Oh geesh, did i come across as someone who needs the pre-emp to not be offened? I'm not. The only thing that offends me is child molesters and the numerous weight loss gurus following me on twitter.
I actually share your opinion. Just pointing out that I thought it was less about ur opinion and more about the initial 'wasted life' comment that started the controversey.
Regardless, I don't think it's a secret this is a heated topic that you were going to be slammed for either way.
Keep sharin ur opinion.
Politically correctness is what is to blame for they squeaky wheel syndrome. Our kids dont say the pledge of allegiance any more because of a few people who had issue. Hell, kids dont even know what it is anymore. Whats next, not teaching the constitutional rights because they dont include illegal individuals? WTH? I am a SAHM, but I dont intend on keeping it that way when my kids are in school full time. Will I be here when they get home from school? Hells yes, kids get in trouble when no one is around to bust their asses. Good for you says I.
A-freakin-men. I feel the same as you!
Wow, how dare you have your own opinions and then the audacity to share them. You should be strung up by your toenails! Seriously, they'll get over it and if they don't, who really cares?
Hmm...I was a SAHM until I finished my Master's. I got a job, worked while my kids were at school, and then found myself pregnant about 6 months from the time my employer warned me that the next fiscal year might not have enough funding for my job (I worked at a small non-profit). They didn't and now I'm home with my 4 month-old.
It's been good timing for all involved, though I miss my job and co-workers. My plan was to go back to work when the baby was a little bit older, BUT while chatting with a friend who has kids from ages 5-22, she mentioned that it's important to the moms to be home while the kids are little so they don't miss any firsts; but that her biggest surprise as a mother was how much the kids needed her at home as they got older so she could keep them out of trouble. As the mother of 5 ranging from 4 mos. to 12 years old, I see that she has a point.
So now, I'm playing the wait and see game. Maybe I will be able to find a job in a year. And maybe my two oldest kids will be the kind I can trust at home alone until I get back from work each day. Then again, I remember what my neighbor's older sisters used to do while their mom was at work after school and it scares me now that one of my kids is approaching their same age.
If I were to return to my former job, I would get home an hour and a half after my kids do each day and that's on a good traffic day. The little kids could go to an after-school program (that would eat my entire paycheck), but the middle schoolers would be at home unsupervised. I'm not trying to pick a fight, I thought I agreed with you until just a few months ago. I don't know that I disagree now. It's just food for thought...
I don't think your family should judge you for doing what you think is best for your family. But you're calling the kettle black by judging people who make a different decision than you. My life was enhanced by having my mama home throughout my school years and if at all possible I want to provide the same opportunities to my kids.
I have a BS in Computer Information Systems and I was a SAHM mom for over 6 years. I now work about 8 hours a week, teaching computer classes to elementary students. I honestly don't think I want to ever work full-time. I don't think it's for me. I love being able to be at home and yet being able to get out of the house a bit.
Being a SAHM or a working mom is a very personal decision. Every person and every situation is completely different. I would never look down on someone or criticize them based on that.
Thank you for your honesty Jaci.
I don't understand why everyone has to be offended all the time. Just because you don't want to be a SAHM until your kids grow up doesn't mean you think people who do should die and go to hell or something. Being a SAHM is NOT for everyone! I think that we should be more accepting of people's opinions and not always assume they're attacking us or trying to make us wrong.
I can't edit your comments, so ANY comment that is inflammatory or personally attacks me or other posters will be removed.
Respectful opinions and debate are welcome. Mud slinging is not.
Hey Jaci, I did wonder how people were going to respond to your post - it was pretty out there in true Jaci style!!
I agree with Melissa, I don't think ppl were offended by you having an opinion but by the implication that staying at home when your kids were older wasn't an option to be respected. I don't think that's what you necessarily intended to imply but I can see why people (who don't know you/your blog) would have been offended.
I personally wouldn't go back to work for the brand label clothes but hey, I'm already back at work helping pay the bills! There are lots of good reasons to be a SAHM when your kids are older and I know lots of Christian women who seek to do this so that they can continue to build into community life, be there to support younger mums coming home who are often stressed and isolated, keep running midweek ministries for those who are home. Like anything, being a SAHM could be an excuse to shop and be insular but it could also be a great thing for God's kingdom.
Actually one more thing that I find infuriating is when my SAHM friends tell me how "busy" they are when I pour my heart out to them in stress. This year I have worked 3 days (2 from home) a week, finished a degree AND managed a household and raised a child. I've put myself under huge pressure to be home with my kid, whom I love, and to give her time and attention when we are together. I KNOW how hard being an SAHM is because I feel like I AM one AND I'm a working Mum. PUHLEEASE stop telling me how exhausting it is trying to get your kid to the hundred different activities you have him booked into and that you NEVER have time for yourself. On the rare occasion that I don't have to work right thought my daughters sleep I do wonder, what do SAHM's do ALL day EVERY day?! I can't believe that they honestly never have time to take a moment to themselves.
Ahem, how's that for offensive? Sorry!! Just needed to get it off my chest!
I totally agree with you. Once the kids are all in school, I'd like at least a part-time job. Doing housework and cooking all day makes me cranky. And watching tv all day makes me fat so I have to have a reason to get out of the house. - Except - now my husband is thinking WE (that's the royal WE, meaning me) should homeschool the kids. And, unfortunately, the way the school system is being run, it may actually be a good idea even when you factor in my temperment. Crap.
Wow. I quote Jenn's message to me and you say I'm mud-slinging? I guess it's okay to sling mud as long as it's in the right direction, huh?
Mama: I would have edited your comment if I could, but the crack you put in about my job got the whole thing deleted.
If you want to personally attack me, write it on your own blog. Don't expect me to post it on mine.
I'm sorry; I didn't mean that as an attack against you. I've been a Receptionist, too, and worked my tail off supporting the 5 of us while doing it.
My point was supposed to be that when it comes down to it, ANYONE can be replaced in their job, but you as a mother are irreplaceable to your kids. Just a perspective check, not a condemnation.
My whole thing is that this debate is so unproductive and demeaning to all of us; attacking either side is attacking ALL of us as mothers.
Again, sorry you thought I was taking a cheap shot at your occupation, 'cause I absolutely wasn't.
P.S. I think I'm better able to explain myself when not typing one-handed while nursing the baby. And stuff. :)
I guess some would have us back in those good ol' Stepford Wives days, where we had one choice and no particular opinion about it. Didn't the women's movement happen because women began asking "is that all there is?" when their kids got older and they got bored? I guess maybe some would take that back too. I'm glad you shared your opinion -- and not just because I happen to agree with it. Why do some have to take this debate so personally?
Anyway, keep up the honest writing!
Sweet Baby Jeezus.
I thought it was well written. You are entitled to your opinion, and I think people missed your point entirely.
But, oh! The traffic! The drama! I even broke my rule of never arguing with an Anonhole in my comments!
Mama: Apology accepted, and thank you for clarifying.
Jen: I think we might get an ad Christmas bonus! Thank you, anonymous.
Your guest post made me start following you.
Honesty is good. Opinions are good. Differences are good.
Tell them to shove it. :D
Holy mother of opinions. People are VERY defensive...I read the post yesterday and I had the fleeting thought of man, there are going to be some SAHM's that are going to be PISSED. I absolutely understand your perspective and respect it, as I struggle back and forth with feelings of my own. Right now Im in Brazil and I cant work as I dont know the language well but Im working on hopefully having a job soon. Because I can NOT stay home every single day. Im going crazy. When I have kids, Sidnei prefers that I stay home, and that is fine as long as I don't go mental doing it. The thing I think is funny is if someone has a different opinoin why is it so hard to turn the other cheek? I read lots of blogs that I personally think say stupid, stupid things. But, whatever, i read it, judge it, and move on. I dont feel the need to leave a blasting comment. We all have our own desire to express what we feel, whether it be "politically correct" or not. I started a whole other blog because I wanted to say what I wanted to say and not give a crap what others thought. I often have to defend myself against brazilians or even americans who think that I am not as "open minded" as I should be. Too bad, it's the way I perceived, or I was in a bad ass mood, or whatever. Some days are happy, some days are crappy. Tell everyone else to deal with it and post their opinoins on their own blogs.
Sorry for my book of a comment!
Hi, I just stumbled upon your blog. You seem to have the sass I enjoy following. Politically correct is lame, and boring.
I am a SAHM mom, and I became one in order to help my husband finish school so that we can have a great life together, without worry of money. (Most days anyway...) I have two boys who keep me busy and mental pretty much all the time, and I love it. They are two, and four and soon will be in school full time. I can't friggin' wait! As much as I love being at home with them to watch them grow, it's hard because I NEVER leave "work". I often wonder what to do during nap time, let alone the 7 hours they would be in school. So, as soon as they're both in school - I will be too! Some women are fulfilled by just the mom title, some aren't. Some wish they could be, but financially can't. For me, making sure my children are loved, cared for and grow up right (at least, what I believe to be right), is the most important thing. (Right now, that means staying at home with them.) Next is making sure I am happy. Once they're in school, waiting around for them just isn't going to cut it.
Pretty much what I'm saying, besides giving you more info than I'm sure you really cared about, is that everyone is different. Some people are just cranky about it. They need to get over it. {Because you can totally write about it on YOUR blog if you feel like it!}
Have a great day!
I read your guest blog (on Jennepper, of course), and I found it both funny and spot on.
SAHM vs WM is so ridiculously stupid. As long as the kids are loved, not neglected, not abused, WHO CARES??
Stay home if you want, Work if you want. People are SO dramatic, and take things so personally. It's not like you wrote your blog with ONE COMMENTER in mind the whole time: "Eff YOU IN PARTICULAR crazy mom who has yet to read my words!"
oh.my.gahd. girl, what have you done? ;o)
I am still in the IF sea of doom. I wouldn't mind having a reason to be one side of the fence or the other. So, take it from someone that has no asshole on this particular topic.
Your blog is your platform to say whatever you want. As is everyone else's. That's the beauty of blogging. (Sorry, I didn't mean to get all Whitney Huston "Greatest Love" on you).
I just don't understand why people care so much about what any one else thinks.
Your thoughts on OPI vs. Sparitual might be different than mine, but why should I care?
Why do people feel so personally attacked because you have an opinion? Who cares what your opinion is. Who cares what anyone's opinion is.
I mean, right?
Right on!
oh, and btw... I pity da fool that has to follow your guest post on jennepers blog;o)
hehe
I'm always amazed by how much vitriol is raised... personally, I'd love to be a SAHM with a 7th grader. There are so many activities I want to be able to go to for them (helping with practices, seeing games that occur close after school ends, etc), plus the volunteer work and PTO stuff that I want to do more of. And I actually enjoy baking the bread from scratch :) But that's what works for me. Right now I'm in a job where I'm not home for my family enough, and I can see the consequences it has. And I don't see any job I have going forward being any better on the work/life balance unfortunately. But you? Go for it! Do what's right for you :)
Who did you guest post for? I hate the SAHM vs. Working mom battle. But I think when the kids are in school or moved out it becomes a "stay at home" vs working battle. I think you lose the mom part.
Shoot I want to be stay at home lifer. Where do I SIGN!?! All this time changing diapers and listening to screaming babies...I think someone owes me an equal number of years home in a quiet house without the kids. And I don't even care. I'll just sit home and read blogs all day and paint my nails. FUN!
I hate work.
I am SO with you on this one, my fellow 18-weeker!!
Being pregnant with my first baby my eyes are being opened to this whole new world - but I don't get the priveledge of making a "choice" here. I have to work so we can pay the bills and provide a future for our baby (NOT selfishly live a life of luxury...haha)
What I do think is funny is the people that have been SO quick to give their unwanted opinions to me are the SAHM's - when I never suggested I wanted their input to begin with. Such a touchy subject - and you absolutely have a right to give your opinion on what is right for you and your family :)
Say what you want Jaci! I support you!! I'm so sick of politically correct I could vomit.
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