Warning: Disney’s A Christmas Carol isn’t for little kids.

When a film opens up with a long close up of a rotting corpse’s face…well, you start to wonder if you should have brought your 4 year old along with you.

I read A Christmas Carol and watched older versions of the movie, so I knew what to expect: spirits, nightmares, and Scrooge thoroughly reformed in a happy ending. La, la, la… Since this version is made by Disney, I thought I had nothing to worry about.

Not so.

It was dark, morbid, scary, and some scenes were flat out disturbing. Luckily, we were at a theater that didn’t have the 3D effects, or I’m sure we would have had to drag Elizabeth out of there screaming in terror.

Marley’s rotten jaw fell off…the ghost of Christmas past was a freaky, wide-eyed candle thing that totally creeped me out…the ghost of Christmas present died in a fit of maniacal laughter, rotted away before our eyes, then completely blew away like ashes… (Elizabeth spent most of the movie hiding under her coat, okay?)

As an adult? I enjoyed it! I thought it was well done. As a parent? Ummm…hell no. I wouldn’t take any kid under 7 to watch it.

I kept waiting for the big happy ending to show Elizabeth that everything happened for a good reason, but the sap was cut really short. The director was more interested in the terror and dark side of Dickens than the moral ending, so we left having to explain the movie to a little girl who wouldn’t listen and demanded that we never take her to see it again.

Ah. Disney memories.

Adventures at the Community Theater

We took Elizabeth to see Disney’s Beauty and the Beast at our local community theater on Saturday. All I’ll say is: It’s community theater. Period.

(In honor of bad theater, this post is written in play format.)

Elizabeth: I want to see the beast.

Me: Hon, you aren’t going to see the real beast, okay? It’s just some people playing dress up and pretending.

Old Woman Selling Raffle Tickets: *screams* 50/50 RAFFLE!!!!

Elizabeth: I want a ticket!

Me: No, sweetie, you don’t want that.

Elizabeth: I want to win a surprise!

Me: Hon, the “surprise” is a gift certificate to a crappy restaurant. Trust me, you don’t want it.

Family sits down and watches play.

Elizabeth: That’s not Belle! That’s not the beast!

Me: They are people playing dress up, remember?

Elizabeth: I’m going to win the surprise.

Me: *sigh* Elizabeth, we didn’t buy a ticket. You aren’t going to win the gift certificate.

Elizabeth: Yes. I’m going to get my surprise after this.

Me:  Elizabeth. LET IT GO. Just watch the play, okay? Stop talking about the stupid raffle.

Elizabeth: The beast has horns out of his head! *lifts up pieces of her hair like horns*

Me: It’s just makeup. He’s just some guy wearing makeup.

Elizabeth: Yeah! He has makeup EYEBROWS!!!

Me: Oookay.

Elizabeth: *loudly* Mommy, why don’t you clap? Don’t you like it?

People laugh and look at us.

Elizabeth: I can’t wait for my surprise.

Me: *getting pissed* Elizabeth, YOU AREN’T GOING TO WIN.

Elizabeth: I AM GOING TO WIN. It’s a puppy.

Me: It’s not a puppy! It’s a freaking gift certificate to a nasty restaurant! Will you just watch the play???

Elizabeth: The beast killed the wolves!

Me: They aren’t real wolves. They are dancers.

Elizabeth: The beast killed the dancers!

Me: ……

Announcer calls raffle ticket winner. Someone squeals over stupid gift certificate.

Elizabeth: OH! I DIDN’T WIN!

Me: I told you! We never bought a ticket!

Elizabeth: But it’s MY surprise! I want my surprise! *starts crying*

Me: Gawd. I’m ready to go home.

~Fin~

Also? A dancer’s dress fell completely off and the whole audience saw her in her Spanx glory. I laughed loudly and inappropriately. It was the best part of the whole play.

Ever Hear of the Oil Cleansing Method?

(I first heard of it Monday, so don't feel bad if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

The Oil Cleansing Method is washing your face with castor oil, olive oil, and a hot washcloth. According to rave reviews on the web, it's like rubbing your face with manna from heaven.

I wasn't convinced. In fact, I was picturing something gross like this:

But really? It's nothing like it.

*whispers* I tried it.

What can I say? I was intrigued. The articles raving about it (and slamming the cosmetics industry) talked about all the chemicals in our beauty products and how bad they are for our skin--and the enviornment. (Did you know that mineral oil is a byproduct from making gasoline? Sick! It's also top ingredient in Clinique's Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion.)

So, here's how it works:

1. Mix together 1 part castor oil and 3 parts extra virgin olive oil. (Ratio adjusts based on skin type - add more castor oil for oily skin, less for dry skin.)

2. Massage oil onto dry face (don't wash face or remove make up first). Take your time and really work it in--and work dirt out.

3. Rinse a washcloth in hot water, and then lay it over your oily face. Relax and steam your face until the washcloth is cold, then use the washcloth to wipe the oil away.

4. Repeat step 3 until oil is gone. DO NOT RINSE OR WASH WITH SOAP.

Apparently, the castor oil is the cleanser and it's very drying. (Weird, huh?) The olive oil works as a buffer against the castor oil and a moisturizer full of antioxidants. People play around with the oils and make up their own potions: sunflower, sweet almond, jojoba, etc. You can get all into it and create woop-de-doo products with essential oils like lavendar or tea tree.

I stuck to the basic recipe because I'm cheap. I found the castor oil in the laxative section of Walgreens for $4, and mixed it up with the EVOO in my kitchen. I used 1/4 cup of castor oil and 1/2 cup of EVOO.

Eh, what the hell? I pulled my hair back, poured a bit into my hand, and slathered it on my face.

It did not roll off my chin. It didn't run into my hair line. It wasn't messy at all! It's like using normal face soap, only there's no foam.

I massaged and rubbed...spread some oil across my eyelids to get rid of the mascara...ran a washcloth under hot water...and steamed my face. I thought the steaming part would take forever, but it only took about a minute before the washcloth was cold.

When I wiped my face, I was stunned. My makeup was off (even the mascara), the oil was gone, and my skin looked--well, it looked like Elizabeth's! It looked clear and plump and healthy, not red and irritated.

My face felt clean--actually, it felt a little dry and tight! I may have to add more olive oil to my mixture.

The next morning, my skin was soft (and still not greasy). I didn't even splash water on my face or put on moisturizer--I just put on my makeup and ran out the door.

I've been using the OCM all week, and I think I like it. I haven't noticed any bad side effects (hello zits!) and my skin is softer.

Has anyone else tried this? Or am I the only Mommy blogger rubbing castor oil all over her face and being laughed at by her husband?

Pregnancy Week 16

I think I'm on week 16, right? Great. I already lost track.

Here I am, world!

(Sorry the picture is really bad. I couldn't find the good camera this morning, and had to grab the old one.)

((Besides, last belly pic, lots of people clicked on my picture and blew it up to ginormous full screen and stared at it, which freaked me out when I checked my site meter. Blurry is good.))

(((I should get Kevin to take these pictures, but when he leaves for work I'm still laying in bed moaning, "Oh God I haaaate work! I don't waaaant to go!")))

Just last night I said to Kevin, "I must have a really small stomach. Because I'm at 4 months and I'm not showing."

After seeing my picture, now I know why he just looked at me and said, "I love you." He was probably pinching himself not to laugh in my face.

I still don't feel pregnant. I sleep on my stomach. I forget to take my vitamins. I wander into stores and head happily for my size only to stop short and think, "Damn it. I'm pregnant and can't wear anything here."

So, no, it still doesn't feel real. I don't feel pregnant. I feel fat, sluggish, and depressed.

Since I had the camera out, I took a picture of my bloated, pregnant face just to see if I do indeed have double chins like Wal-Mart PictureME! caught in 9 out of 10 shots.

Look at that! Only one chin. Clearly, I have mad photography skilz since I can take an akward picture of myself in my bathroom and NOT have double chins.

(I really need to get my roots done. And a hair cut. I look rough. Maybe I should ditch the flat iron? Ugh. My face is nothing but CHEEKS. I was probably a squirrel in a past life.)

And...here's what Wal-Mart thinks I really look like.

Wal-Mart? You're a tool.

P.S. Blogger, wtf? Why won't you let me put spaces between my paragraphs! GAWD I HATE YOU.

Wal-Mart Picture Me Can Suck It

Have I mentioned that I haven't screwed around with a family picture since Elizabeth wore size 12M?

(Yet another "mom thing" that I suck at.)

After several years of avoiding it (and hoping for a 25 pound weight loss) I bit the bullet and went for it. Yes, I know I'm 4 months pregnant and at that gawd-awful stage where I don't look pregnant but instead look f-f-f-f-fat. I figured a 4 year old would sufficiently cover my lovely lady lumps. And rolls. And non-maternity sweater stretched to the max and screaming in protest.

But I digress.

I chose Wal-Mart because...um...it's cheap. And? Our last family portrait from Sears had us all sprawled on the floor in some sort of pseudo wrestling match that was quite puzzling.
Clearly, I won and Elizabeth tapped it out.

I just wanted a normal family picture. You know, one where everyone sits upright and smiles. It doesn't take much skill to seat people on chairs, so it was off to Wal-Mart - land of stepped up cashiers pretending to be photographers.

I'm anal about professional pictures. I want the color schemes to be just "so" because I'm going to stare at it everyday for the next couple years. (See above picture where everyone is in beige.) This year I went a little crazy and used "pastels".

I know. DARING.

After the world's most boring and predictable photo shoot at PictureMe! (eyeroll) Kevin and I stood with a squirming 4 year old for 20 minutes while the "photographer" (ahem) played around with gay photo enhancements (sepia anyone?) and tried to turn lame, ordinary photos into objet d'art (and failing utterly). When I asked her to please skip it, she said, "Sorry, I have to show you everything," and continued dazzling with her basic photoshop skilz.

I wanted to stab her in the eye.

Anyway. There wasn't one photo that I was impressed with. Kevin looked squinty, I had double chins, E's hair wasn't lying quite right...every picture had something jacked up. THEN (and only then) the girl (sorry, I can't call her a photographer anymore) talked prices. For a mere $389...

.....

WTF?!?!? THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-NINE DOLLARS!!! I'm sorry...did I stumble into a real photographer's studio? I could have sworn I was standing in Wal-Mart's hole-in-the-wall and listening to people swiping their EBT food stamp cards behind me...

I laughed in the girl's face. Then Kevin said, "What's your cheapest package? We're not spending hundreds of dollars today so let's skip all the crap."

$79.

Kevin snorted. I rolled my eyes and said, "Well take the $7 special and that's it." My choices for THAT package? Two of the shittiest pictures taken. Hmmm...double chins on me, or Kevin looking stoned?

Of course I chose stoned. (Double chins is NOT an option.)

Open Letter to Maternity Jean Designers

Dear Maternity Jean Designers,


Do you smoke crack?

Sorry to be so blunt, but come on! I am really struggling here.

I’m looking for jeans. Okay? Just a pair of jeans! I’m tired of screwing around with an old hair tie a la McGyver. I just want to pull on a pair of jeans and be done with it.

My options are: a. low rise, b. full panel. Let’s start with low rise.

I don’t know about you, but I have an ass. I like to cover it with my pants and not just…oh, say a thin strip of cotton underwear. I also like to sit down, because you know. I’M PREGNANT. So your low rise maternity jeans? Complete shit.

What’s my other option? Oh, yeah. Full panel. *sigh*

I’m 4 months pregnant and (oddly enough) I don’t enjoy the sensation of having a yard of pants fabric stretching clear up around my boobs. Maybe by month 9, I’ll be all over it, but now? Now I feel like a freak wearing a pair of clown pants. No, I’m not going to roll the panel down! Oh yes, lets add ANOTHER 2 inches of bulk to my already bloated waist! Brilliant.

Also? Why are all of your jeans made for either petite or average women? In case you didn’t know, tall people have sex. Shocking, but true.

Your stretch jean fabric really needs improvement. It doesn’t “spring back” and by the end of the day the ass is all stretched out and I look like I crapped my pants.

Kthnks,

Jaci

The Christmas Budget (Part Deux)

I planned. I budgeted. I conquered.


My last post inspired me to dive into the world of personal finance (which you can read about on my other blog, Becoming a Raving Mad Housewife) and motivated me to search for Christmas deals online.

My first stop was at Black Friday Ads. I discovered this site last year, and it’s really invaluable. Unless you’re a hardcore shopper with hours to rifle through newspaper ads, it’s easier to go to this website and compare all the stores at once. Last year, Black Friday Ads led me to Dell’s $249 X-Box 360 holiday bundle, and I got Kevin’s gift for $50 less than any other store (including Wal-Mart). This year, it led me to the Toys R Us Big Book Sale.

Every gift I wanted for Elizabeth was on sale at Toys R Us online, and they had free shipping. That’s a hard deal to pass up…but I checked for the same toys on Ebay just in case. (You never know, right?) Ebay was a joke. The bids started at prices only slightly lower than Wal-Mart, and people on Ebay are so stupid that they get in bidding wars and end up paying MORE than what the toy is worth. (Really? How dumb are people?!?)

Back to Toys R Us. I bought all of the toys E asked for at low sale prices, paid with Pay Pal, and they are being shipped to my house (for free) as I type. They also threw in a bonus stuffed animal. Toy budget spent: $87.00.

There is a chance that one of the toys I bought will be some insane Black Friday doorbuster, but I don’t think I’ll be kicking myself. I won’t be standing in line at 5 am…I won’t be fighting people over the last 40% off Littlest Pet Shop set…I won’t be circling parking lots cursing because every space is full…and I won’t blow $30-$40 on a crappy lunch at Applebee’s when the sales end and Kevin and I are fighting/grumpy/exhausted/ready to destroy the world. And since no Dr.’s office in my area has an H1N1 vaccine—I won’t be shoulder to shoulder with sick, hacking, sneezing people. It’s a win-win all the way around!

Really, this online shopping thing is pretty awesome for my big ol’ pregnant butt. I can compare prices easily—and buy only the stuff I really need. (It’s hard to be tempted into impulse buys through pop-up windows.) If I were wandering around the mall, I know I’d get tired and irritable and end up grabbing whatever to get the hell out of there.

This Black Friday I plan to sit at home with my feet up by the fireplace, and “supervise” Kevin as he drags box after box of Christmas crap out of the basement. My toy shopping is all done!

I am Scrooge! (Minus the whole “rich” part)

I’m so tired of beating my head against the wall about money.
(I know it’s a “dirty subject” that everyone avoids, but let’s get real. Money sucks.)

Did you know that some credit card companies aren’t just raising interest rates, but they are doubling the minimum payments? So that $100 credit card payment that I struggle to put anything extra on each month might jump up to $200. If that happens to my cards—fugetaboutit. We’re done.

We basically live paycheck to paycheck, even with two incomes. I’ll admit it—my measly $1,000 per month doesn’t cover much. I bring in enough to cover name brand food, an occasional outfit from the clearance rack, a couple dinners out, and a few DVD rentals. (I know, I’m living the pampered high life.) Originally, my job was supposed to pay down debt…then a car died, and my paychecks went toward a new one…

Yeah. That plan got screwed.

Now, with the baby coming, we’re going back to one income for at least 3-4 months. Honestly? I’m freaking out about it. I don’t know how we’re going to make ends meet.

Come hell or high water, I’m going to breastfeed this time. (I really don’t have the option of shelling out $30 a can for formula.) I want to turn off the cable and the home phone NOW, so at least we can save a little, but Kevin is fighting me about it. We already “brown bag it” and as soon as I can stomach being in the kitchen, I’ll make dinners and stop picking up take out. Beyond that…what else is there to cut?!? We already be po’ folks.

Side note: I HATE the lame money saving tips financial advisors give! Really? That’s all I need to do is BROWN BAG IT and MAKE MY OWN COFFEE and my $8,000 credit card debt will be gone in a year?!? Holy shit, WHY DIDN’T SOMEONE TELL ME THIS SOONER?!?!?!? Morons.

And as for Christmas… *deep sigh*

I set Elizabeth’s budget at $150. It’s enough for the toy laptop she’s been dying for…and a Tag Reader…and a few “little” things. The tree isn’t going to be surrounded by a sea of gifts this year.

Oddly enough, I don’t think she’ll notice! While the thought of a budget Christmas is killing me with I-Suck-As-A-Mommy Guilt…she’s 4! She thinks the $.50 toy machine at the grocery store is DA BOMB and plays with those things instead of the expensive stuff.

(Can I tell you a secret? I only spent $20 on her birthday gifts. I meant to buy Monsters vs. Aliens to go along with it, but forgot. Did she care? NOPE. She had no clue.)

I’m curious. Where do you set the Christmas limit for your kids?

2nd Trimester! (And a belly pic)

(Ignore my dirty bathroom mirror.)

((I had to skip hair AND makeup today to take this picture and upload it onto my ancient laptop before work. You're welcome.))

(((Yes, that is a hair band wrapped around my pants.)))

One trimester down, two more to go. Let's pause for a moment and reflect on the highs and lows of the last 3 months:

- never threw up (high)

- exhaustion (low)

- did I mention EXHAUSTION?!?

- Unisom got rid of nausea (high)

- disappearing from life for about 4 weeks because I was tired, sick, and depressed (low)

- ONLY GAINING TWO POUNDS!

That's right! I ended the 1st trimester with a total 2 lbs weight gain. Don't ask me how I did it (considering I pounded down bean burritos and Sheetz breakfast sandwiches) but I am thankful. I was scared to death that I was going to gain way too much.

Before anyone slams me for worrying about weight while preggers: Get real. We ALL worry about our weight! Every single pregnancy book, magazine, and internet site jams the "appropriate" weight gain down our throats. If I don't gain enough, I'm a selfish pregorexic. If I gain too much, I'm a giant McFatty.

I'm still wearing my normal clothes--with the help of a Bella Band or a hair band. The Bella Band is irritating me because it refuses to stay put. It's always sliding up and rolling into a ball around my waist, and by the end of the day I want to rip it off and throw it across the room. Right now, the $0.25 hair band is working better than the $25 Bella Band.

As you can see in the picture, my stomach is puffy and generally inflamed with anger towards that uppity thing called a uterus. It bloats up into a horrific mess at night, and then it shrinks back down. One of these days, it's going to bloat and stay that way--and I'll have to move into the maternity pants. (Right now I only use them on really bad days.)

My energy is back, the nausea is gone, and I'm feeling great! I'm going to ride this out for as long as it lasts.