Wow. There is nothing on TV.

When my life gets busy, the first thing to go is usually time spent in front of the Idiot Box.  Besides, I prefer Blockbuster rentals to aimless channel flipping any day.  

But after my recent...uh, layoff?...I've had a whole week to catch up. 

Guess what?  I haven't missed much.

TLC is still running A Horror Story A Baby Story and terrifying (and yet at the same time boring--which is surprisingly difficult to do) pregnant women every morning.  Daytime talk shows all feature the same gay stories on how to dress 10 pounds thinner, cook 300 calorie dinners, and snag the latest hair trends (hint:  think RED!  SQUEE!).  And, just like 3 years ago, I end up on MTV watching True Life:  I'm a Crack Whore and letting my ass sink a couple inches deeper into the sofa.

Yep.  TV still sucks.

But wait!  What the hell happened to my beloved History Channel?!?  Who turned her into yet another reality show hootch?

I'm probably the only nerd who likes to zone out in front of a good historical documentary...but damn it, I'm pissed about the junk they are trying to pawn off as "historical".  First up?  American Pickers.

These two winners are supposed to "search across America rescuing treasures".  Actually, they're driving up to your senile Grandpa's farm and screwing him out of his antiques.  Classy.  Every episode features them snickering behind some lonely old man's back and offering him a couple bucks for items they're going to turn around and sell for a couple hundred.

Ugh.  Assholes. 

Anyone remember Antiques Roadshow?

People drag Great Aunt Bertha's crap in and let professional appraisers tell them how much it's worth.  Usually every episode features some redneck named Dale who's all pissed because his treasure turns out to be fake (of course Oklahoma flea markets sell Ming vases!) and the appraisers are all dried up history professors with zero personality.

Here's the History Channel's rip off:

Pawn Stars!  Antiques Roadshow meets Las Vegas Pawn Shop--and hilarity ensues!  *eye roll*

Alright, it's better than a bunch of old WASPs showing off their priceless antiques on PBS, but what's "historical" about customers trying to sell their junk for a quick buck?  The shop owner calls in experts to appraise the antiques (that takes about 2 minutes) and then the rest of the time that fat guy on the left screws around with his dee-dee-dee friend out in the parking lot.

Awesome.

And what is up with AMC?  I loooove old black and white movies.  Who doesn't like curling up in bed with a bottle of nail polish, a bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and a 1930's actress with over plucked eyebrows and boxy shoulder pads flipping her cigarette around and saying weird phrases like, "I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail!"

Imagine my horror when I switched it on tonight to find some lame Sean Connery movie that come out in 2003.  American Movie Classics my ass. 

I would cut cable, but Elizabeth would die from Disney withdrawal.  So help me out--what do you watch?