After 1 month back at home as a SAHM, life looks--like shit.
Maybe "life" is too general. Let's start out by saying my house looks like shit.
It's been 1 month of constant sickness, doctors' visits, and misery in this house. We've had colds, bronchitis, sinus infections, walking pneumonia, AND pink eye. February? You were a bitch, and I'm glad you're dead.
Laugh if you want to, but I planned on starting SAHM life with a bang. I wanted to be up, showered, and dressed by 8 am--just like a normal work day. I wanted to keep the house pristine, become The Queen of Meal Planning, and dedicate a couple of hours each day to Home School Preschool with Elizabeth. I wanted to look at SAHMdom as a job, and keep myself accountable for everything that needed done.
Reality? I've been so sick, miserable, and (let's face it) depressed that I've only done the bare minimums around here. My house is covered in dirty laundry, crusty counters, hairy bathrooms, and the fallout from Toy Explosion 2010. As for being up and dressed--HA! Which of my two pairs of GINORMOUS MATERNITY YOGA PANTS should I put on today?
Ugh.
Something is just...WRONG with me. I'm depressed like I was last summer, only this time anti-depressants aren't an option. And since I'm depressed AND pregnant, I feel like the most god-awful mom on the planet. What pregnant woman is in a funk 2 months before the baby comes, and sits around wishing the pregnancy was over but dreading the idea of bringing a screaming newborn home? What pregnant woman has nightmares--not about the baby!--but about being locked in a house and trying to figure out how to pack her shit and escape so she can finish up college?
I'm also scared. If I'm in a funk now, what's going to happen to me in May when I'm sleep deprived and have a baby hanging off of me?
19 comments:
I have no advice - just sympathy... I'm so sorry you're feeling that way and hope that things improve! For me, I was SO uncomfortable while I was pregnant that even with the sleep deprivation I felt better after Cole was born.
I was severely depressed during my 2nd pregnancy also. It was tough. I was going through a lot and everything seemed to come to a head all at once.
Once I had my baby, I was fine. Maybe I was just overly hormonal from all the testosterone in my body or something. I had a boy.
I'm finally a non-lurker and commenting!
I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, lady-pants. My personal experience is I'm ALWAYYYSSSS depressed in january/february. But now that the shittastic month of february is over, maybe things will start looking up for you!
Good luck, and hope you feel better soon. :)
Hey, I have been a lurker and love reading your blog so I thought I would say Hi. I remember feeling the same way with about 2 months to go. It got much better when my daughter was born. As far as being the best SAHM ever......well I think that is a crock of shit. Like you I had a similar dream and well lets just say that this did not go as planned. Up and showered by 8 well right now its 8:20 and im writing you a comment from my comfy bed on my laptop. Thats because my daughter who sleeps through the night 98% of the time did not last night (teething sucks), I remember thinking I was going to wake up early everyday and get ready, my house would look like something from a martha stewart magazine, and I would have a lovely dinner prepared by the time my DH walked through the door. Oh and I also would find the time to exercise and get that rockin pre baby body back in NO time. Well lets just say life happens and not everything goes as planned. All you can do is your best and that is all. Im a little OCD when it comes to cleaning my house so it hard sometimes for me to just say F-it but you know what? Sometimes you just have to and all the stuff you have to do today can always wait until tomorrow. Hope you feel better soon!
And here is a link to 1 of my blogs if you want to check it out!
http://mommyellisknowsbest.blogspot.com/
Jaime
Been reading your blog for ages, and just haven't commented. I enjoy reading it (though I'm sorry you are depressed)
I'm just wondering... are anti-depressants really not an option? I know that you're supposed to avoid all sorts of chemicals when pregnant, but perhaps you're far enough along it'd be ok? Or maybe certain kinds are acceptable? I think it might be worth asking your doctor, if you haven't already.
I so hope things improve!!!
I was depressed for a good chunk of my pregnancy. I just hated being pregnant with my youngest and then I felt guilty for feeling that way. It did get better once he was born and I felt like I had my life back again. Yes, it was a crazy more hectic version but it was my life again. 20 months later...when things are all going pretty well, I'm in a funk I can't seem to get out of. I haven't gone the meds route just yet but I have a feeling it's not far behind. I don't know if it's the weather and the fact that the snow just keeps coming but I'm DONE.
Hang in there, it'll get better. And, if it helps, I know several moms who started their anti-depressants while pregnant to ward of PPD after the baby was born. There are some that are okay, if it's something you want to look in to.
I haven't figured this out either and I've been home for 5 months. When you have a job it's easy to have down time and allow yourself guilt-free relaxing but when you're home you feel like you should be doing something 24 hours of the day. I kind of stopped planning ahead and just wake up and think "what do I NEED to do today?" Then everything else is bonus. I need to feed the baby, change his diapers, make sure he takes his naps, and give him kisses. Then if I can do the laundry, get groceries, or vacuum I feel like an awesome person. It's hard to find the motivation so if it's not there don't stress...tomorrow will be ok even if there are crumbs on the floor. I also figured out that if I can make myself get up and do things earlier in the day then I feel so much better about taking a nap or reading a book in the afteroon. Don't feel down on yourself...your most important job is growing that little life inside you and keeping your little girl growing and happy.
You are normal. 100% normal. The time of the year is crappy to begin with and then add in sickness after sickness AND hormones. Of course you are going to be in a funk.
I am in a funk and I am not pregnant.
((hugs)) It will get better......
I am sorry. I have been okay until the last couple of weeks. I suffer from anxiety/depression, and I have remained medicated through both my pregnancies. I don't know if you think antidepressants aren't an option because of the pregnancy, but there are ones you can take safely while you're pregnant. I made sure to talk to my doctors about it, and both pregnancies I switched to a drug that was safe, because there was NO WAY I was going off them with the additional hormones and craziness of being pregnant. I'm having anxiety issues the last week or so, and feeling maybe like I need to adjust my dosage.
I'm sorry that it hasn't worked out the way you thought. I know what you mean about having these plans for things to be great. When my son started school and I have several hours a week, I thought I would get everything done. I manage, my house USUALLY isn't too bad, but sometimes it does get out of control and I have a REALLY hard time motivating myself to do ANYTHING some days.
I'm thinking of you and sending BIG hugs your way right now. Transition isn't always easy, and being pregnant? Doesn't help. Much love to you right now.
Winter sucks. Pregnancy sucks (though kids are pretty cool). Being sick sucks. This time of year it all just sucks, and it is okay to feel that way.
However, while I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, I bet there are medication options available if you feel it would help. That is the great thing about it being 2010 and not 1910, we have ways to handle this crap and all the cool kids are doing it.
FWIW, I felt like this exactly when I had my April baby and the relief of not being pregnant plus the arrival of spring and some freaking daylight changed my world...the good times may be just around the corner.
That's enough Pollyanna for one day I think...feel better dear blogger!
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that those expectations of being SUPER MOMMY! are totally normal.
and they suck, but they're like cocaine or maybe even Jake G. and WE JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO QUIT THEM!!!! & every time we try to "ease" our burden, we end up taking on more & more & more until we're depressed & running around like chickens with our heads cut off.
But I digress.
I want you to feel better, lover. Whether that means ignoring the messy house on a day that the sun shines to just get out, or talking to your OB to see if there is something/anything to help you out medicinal-wise.
I'm here for you.
There are some antidepresants that are ok to take during pregnancy. Zoloft and Prozac, for instance. Welbutrin as well. If you are feeling like this depressed feeling is getting in the way of functioning, see if you can find a specialist who only does antepartum and postpartum mental health.
In the mean time- Bless your heart for dealing with all that ick in Feb!
Im sorry. You are not the only one and you are not alone. How cliche does that sound?! Dont get depressed over being depressed! You have the JOY of being home right now and to prepare yourself. Take the time and dont feel guilty.
I'm sorry you feel so shit-tay.
Jaci - you can totally take some antidepressants while pregnant. If you are feeling nonfunctional, talk to Loompa about it. Or a NP.
But if you're just venting here, then: that totally fucking sucks. I hope you feel better and get your groove back soon. But not like Stella. I mean...who wants sex when you're that pregnant anyway? No thanks.
I totally know where you're coming from. These expectations we place on ourselves...well, they suck. They make the good in what really happens to hard to see...we spend so much time lamenting that we're not as we're SUPPOSED to be. I wish there were something I could say to make you feel better but you are so normal it's ridiculous. I think you WILL feel better once you have your baby but in the meantime, take good care of yourself and do what you think will help you -- whether talking to someone or trying pregnancy-safe antidepressants. Thinking of you.
depression is definitely the pits. I had post partem with my last little guy and it wasn't pretty.thankfully I'm feeling more myself every day (he's 2 now). I wish you well and hope it will be over soon.
Ugh, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in a funk. (man, I haven't commented in forever, let alone updated my blog!!) I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant (3rd boy, Lord help us all) and I just was started on wellbuterin (sp?)a month ago because of the post-partum I went through with both of the boys.
I will have to say, I'm feeling better than I ever have...mentally. I hope that you can talk to your doctor (if you want to, I was concerned also).
Hope you start feeling somewhat normal soon, whether it's when the next little monkey comes or sooner!!
Hi Jaci! Just found your blog through a friend's recommendation. I think you have every right to feel depressed and overwhelmed. I remember feeling that way before the birth of my younger two kids. I think with the first one, we are so blissfully ignorant of how flipping hard it is to have a newborn that we don't get depressed until after the birth! But this time, you just know how tough it will be. But also how wonderful and that you really will get through those overwhelming few weeks/months. It doesn't help to be in pain and not be able to tie shoes or put on your own socks, either!
I am feeling the exact same way. I don't want to be selfish but when do I get a day off. Well, when you are pregnant...never. I dread the day the new baby arrives because I know all the craziness which will happen. I also feel so guilty about what is about to happen to my son. I just don't know how we are going to manage. I just want to be a good mother but I also want a little piece of my life back. I was so horrified when I found out I was pregnant again. I was just beginning to get a sense of freedom. I was even still breastfeeding. Progesterone birth control pills don't work.
Doctors should be more proactive when explaining these things to patients who are still breastfeeding.
Post a Comment