There. I said it.
I lurk on a couple boards that never fail to make me roll my eyes. There's always at least one thread about "How Much Weight Have YOU Gained?!?" with a few ladies stressing, "ZOMG! I weigh less than my pre-pregnancy weight!" beside ginormous belly pics that make me shudder and say, "Daaaammmmn!" in my best Martin Lawrence voice.
Girl, why you got to lie????
If you haven't been hospitalized for puking 5 times a day every day, OR, if your starting weight didn't rival a Biggest Loser contestant, there's no way you should be wrapping up your 8th month with ZERO weight gain.
Shut the hell up.
My next favorite thread? "How Long Ago Did You Have Sex?" I love my fo' realz sistas who flat out say, "I can't remember. I've been too uncomfortable for months now." But, those responses are few and far between. Usually, the thread is stuffed full of "Mmmm...twice this morning! LOL!"*
Oh, please! I guess a side effect of gaining nothing is to turn into a horny pregnant toad.
I'm not saying sex in the 9th month doesn't exist, but I don't believe anyone is writhing her penguin shaped body in ecstasy.
Anyone see Knocked Up?** And the scene where they're trying to have sex and can't find any position that will work, so they give up and cuddle?
You want more proof? Try to find Maternity Lingerie. Go on. Google it. I'll wait.
Not much there, huh? Just granny panties and nursing bras.
Hmmm. You'd think, with all this wild twice in one morning crazy pregnant sex going on, Victoria's Secret would want to cash in on that.
*When I read that line (which is 100% real, by the way) I choked on my coffee. And then laughed so hard the baby kicked me in the ribs.
**It's a good movie. Seriously. It's one those you see a preview for and say, "Gawd, that's going to blow," but it surprised me.
19 comments:
Ahhh...pregnancy boards...what a great place to vent those pregnant hormones. I loved lurking on those things! And for us during my pregnancy...well, let's say I think the total number of times we did anything intimate for those 9 months was uhhhh...less than 5. I did not want to be touched!!
Oh I had sex in the 9th month a lot...to try and bring on labor. It was not fun. It was not enjoyable. There was no ecstasy about it. Liars!
Haha! This post cracked me up! I remember my husband saying getting pregnant is like signing a celibacy agreement. He also used to read those posts over my shoulder, and ask why I wasnt into it....ummm, hello, I have a WHALE attached to my stomach!
uh...I"m 7 1/2 months and sex is not on my priority list!
I have my choice boards to lurk on also. My faves are the 20+ new threads of "Can I be pregnant?!?!?!" Well genius none of us are professional urine examiners, so me thinks you should just TAKE A DAMN TEST INSTEAD OF ASKING EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET. Freakin mental giants... I see the weight gain ones and just scoff. I gained 80 my first and 60 with my second, and this one is actually somewhat on track, thankfully. All the throwing up and angry esophogus helped in that little deal. Not that I havent tried to eat my weight in outback takeout. I enjoy your blog greatly Jaci, makes me feel saner.
I LOVE THIS POST.
and I adored the pregnancy boards because there were hoards of ignorant people, just waiting for me. Waiting for me to bite. Yummy.
I am one of those freaks without weight gain but it happened for two reasons of your mentioned reasons...1. I am a fat-ass to begin with (not biggest loser fat, but yeah, pretty chunky) and 2. I was also one of those freaks who threw up all day every day. That is why we are done... anyway, as for sex...yeah see the note about barfing all the time, oh yeah, that is HOT! Also anyone ho says it brings on labor is full of crap, so don't stress yourself out, just eat more ice cream and hope for the best!
Oh good lord, I meant WASN'T. So glad none of you know me. I'd be completely humiliated right now otherwise.
Ha! Don't worry about it, Rachael. I was pretty jealous of your sex life! :)
Rachel: I spit tea out of my mouth when I read about the whale!
The forums are a strange place - anonymous enough that people say the dumbest things. I think my biggest pet peeve though are the people who ask questions that are easily answered by Googling. Really, it takes no time to ask Google if dark gray poop is okay. Why ask all sorts of hormonal non-doctors?
This is hilarious. I need to check out some of these pregnancy boards, I could use some comic relief! I'm 35 weeks along, and have tucked the lingerie into the back of the dresser, thankyouverymuch.
This post (and related comments) pretty much sums up every thought I have ever had about pregnancy forums.
Especially loved the maternity lingerie challenge. :) Because of my not-so-secret addiction to Victoria's Secret, I did attempt to find some while ginormous... to no avail.
Love this post. I only gained 13 pounds all nine months...but was sick as a dog...all nine months. Saltines were my only friend. Kat weighed in at 7'11 oz. I could not even keep Gatorade down...and sex? What was that...I did not want sex..it was got me in the shape to start with. Anyone who tells you they love it...is lying through their teeth.
Way to be real, sista!!! I loved this post!!! You should start your own forum telling it how it is! :)
My poor husband pretty much never got sex when I was pregnant. Maybe in the first few months, but once I started feeling the baby move the thought of sex just grossed me out. I did not want him touching me. I bet it didn't even happen 9 times in 9 months. BUT I was one of those barely gained any weight people. When I got pregnant I weighed 178 pounds. Yes, overweight, but not huge. I was about a size 14. Pregnancy is the only time in my entire life I've eaten healthy. No caffeine, no nitrates, no taste, nothing good... So I lost 14 pounds in the first couple of months. My doctor said he was concerned. Once I finally started gaining I gained 15 pounds total. I delivered my 10 pound baby weighing 179 which was one pound more than where I started. At my six week check up I weighed 151 and had to go out and buy new smaller clothes. I know. I hate myself just reading that. Especially since I haven't seen 151 in many years now. My son is almost 11. I've often said if I could just pretend I was pregnant then perhaps I would lose weight, lol. Probably helped that I had my son at 20. I'm thinking if I had another I wouldn't be so lucky.
Oh, boy! This a hot topic in our house! I'm currently 36 weeks and had a scare (possible pre-term labor) 2 weeks ago. The dr. told us no sex. So, yeah, that's all horny hubby can think about. Good luck buddy, like Rachel, there's a whale attached and it's NOT enjoyable whatsoever!
I'm on a baby board dedicated to mocking people on all the other boards.
Sex always seems like a good idea until I start thinking about how.
I am OBSESSED by maternity underwear at the moment, determined that this time round I WILL FIND SOMETHING NICE dammit! And I HAVE! Hot Milk is gorgeous and pretty reasonable, there are some NZ sites where you can order a matching set for around $30 and when you US folk do the exchange rate it's even cheaper! Check out beyondbelly.co.nz and maternitydirect.co.nz AWESOME!
Post a Comment