When your 4 year old walks into your bedroom while you're tethered to a breast pump, gives you a disgusted look, and says with perfect sarcasm, "You like milking your body?" you realize where you stand on breastfeeding.
The 4th week was a bitch. I expected Elodie to go through a growth spurt and cluster feed. I expected that 24-48 hours would be rough until my supply jumped into gear. What I didn't expect? An entire week of 45 minute marathon sucking sessions every hour and a half.
(Break that down, and I had 40 minutes Suckubus Free. No...actually, I had 5 minutes Suckubus Free because after feeding I had to burp, rock, and pray for her to sleep and she'd wake up 5 minutes after I put her down. You know what you can do in 5 minutes? JACK SHIT.)
((Yes, I just referred to my child as a Suckubus. That's what a whole week of non-stop nursing and ZERO SLEEP will do.))
During that week, Elodie fussed constantly. If she was awake she was jamming her fists in her mouth and crying and never satisfied with anything. I was Googling things like colic and silent reflux, wondering what was wrong with my kid. And? I was so exhausted the words on the computer screen jumped around and I felt a little manic.
So I gave her a bottle of formula. By the end of that bottle I had a different baby: calm, peaceful, wide-eyed, quietly alert. No screaming. No fist jamming. She was finally full.
I know lactation consultants swear very few people really have low supply issues, and that if your baby is wetting and dirtying diapers than you have enough milk. I even found an article about why a breastfed baby will suck down a bottle of formula when she isn't really hungry.
Know what? I don't care. I refuse to starve my baby because Breastfeeding! Huzzah! I'm more concerned with feeding her than earning my "I'm a Good Mom because I'M A SUPERSTAR MILKER!" SUV-rear-window-decal.
Know what else? I hate breastfeeding. I'll straight up admit it, internets! It was something I had to grit my teeth and just survive: like a hardcore diet or training for a half marathon.
I did not enjoy it--I'm glad it's over--and I'm glad I'll never have to do it again.
The End.
Edited to add: I am currently pumping to slowly wean my supply down, and I'm mixing pumped milk with formula. Even engorged and double pumping with an electric pump, I can barely get 2 ounces at a time.
31 comments:
exactly how I felt about it. hated it to death, and don't give a shit what anyone says, I really did have supply issues, NOT everyone gets milk, did everything I could, and so glad it is over. If I have more children, I am going straight to formula feeding. Good for you, and anyone who tells you otherwise can go away and tout the advantages of breastfeeding to those who want to listen.
oh, girl, people might hate me for this but props to you! I think that it's SO important for you to have your sensibilities about you when the babe is so young. If you hated breastfeeding, then formula is just fine. And E is so small, she can't tell you, "mom your milk tastes funky. Did you eat onions?" or "mom, your milk makes me fart and my tummy hurts." So if formula is better for her, then... wait, why are we still on this subject? Do NOT feel guilty about the formula choice. Besides, window decals are for dorks. LOL
Smart decision. I commend you for making a decision that best fits you and your baby and not caving to societal pressures. If you had continued to nurse, despite the discomforts, it could have led to resentment or negative feelings. This way both you and E are satisfied, and the best part is you're stress free and able to enjoy your new baby!
You Go Girl! My mom did not get milk and I nearly starved as a baby. They called me a Failure to Thrive. I then took a bottle...only to find out I was lactose intolerant...so it was Soy milk all the way for me. I am rarely sick....and was the same way as a child. They tell you....breastfed babies are healthier...don't believe them...whoever they are.
I had the same problems with all three of my children who were pigs and wanted to breastfeed constantly! I hated it.....and that is why I did it for about as long as you have.
You did a great job trying, and lord knows you tried your heart out, but if it is not for you, for any reason, then you don't have to do it. I had the same experience, after four weeks of 12-14 hours a day spent nursing, plus pumping, plus supplementing with formula I realized "oh wait, this is so not my thing." I lasted 24 hours with my second before remembering this.
There are many wonderful benefits of breastfeeding, but you can't put a price tag on making the right decision for your family. Good luck, enjoy a baby who will, hopefully, spend less time being a pill and I highly recommend Target generic formula- giant 40oz cans of powder for $15, I use two a month...that my friends is totally affordable. (While you are there, get the diapers and wipes too, the new design is amazing!)
Try making a tea using sage (make sure you add a little sugar, doesn't taste the greatest). It will help dry up your milk. I did that with my last and I was dried up within 2-3 days.
I'm proud of you for giving it your all and lasting as long as you could--no one can criticize you for that! I went through the same issues, but I only lasted for 2-3 weeks with each baby. I wondered if I should have tried longer each time, but when I started pumping I saw I was only making a very small amount every time. I'm glad I'm not alone--and you aren't alone, either.
I just want to tell you that I felt the same way. Breastfeeding is not for me. I had some of the same issues with Hayden. He just wasn't getting enough from me and whenever I tried to breast feed him, he would scream and cry. I lasted about 5 weeks and then was done and it was the best thing for all of us.
Breastfeeding is just not for me, and it never will be.
I struggled with breastfeeding, then I struggled with the decision to quit because I felt horrible. Then Peyton had horrendous reflux and I wondered it it was my fault. I wanted her to have the benefits, etc but formula is not poison. And I agree with you 100% I hated breastfeeding. I hated that nipple shield and the fact that she had to eat at least every 2 hours. My supply never came in normal either because of my PCOS (don't you have PCOS? it can cause supply issues..) I pumped until I was dry which was less than a week and fed her that. It's sad that we feel like bad mothers for admitting breast feeding sucks.
I am a die hard breastfeeder all the way. I love it. But I understand that not everyone can do it. I think you are awesome for trying so hard at it and awesome for putting your baby first when she was hungry. The bonding is the same weather you are breastfeeding or bottlefeeding.
I had low milk supply too. I was told that the more you nursed the more milk you'd produce to the baby's needs. Well, with my second pregnancy I had twins that weighed 7 6 and 8 3 and let me tell you, I was nursing all the time. I'd feel I was empty within 10 minutes and they were still hungry. After 4 months I switched to the bottle and go figure, no more constant crying. And I liked breastfeeding because I am lazy and there is nothing more convenient.
For the record, I was able to stop nursing cold turkey and it didn't bother me at all. No engorgement. With my first baby I stopped cold turkey too and I had one time of engorgement and that was it. I guess I just don't make a lot of milk for my giant babies.
Good for you for doing what is right for YOUR baby and YOU! Nobody has the right to tell you what is the "correct" way to feed your kid. Period. I had low supply with my daughter and people made me feel like absolute shit when I switched to formula. With my son it was different and I enjoyed breastfeeding him but he was an easy eater and my supply was great. If he'd been as hard to feed as my daughter or if I'd had supply issues again, I'd have gone straight to formula without a second thought.
You certainly are not alone in your thoughts. I too hated breastfeeding for various reasons and only lasted 2 weeks with each of my children.
My son wanted nothing to do with breastfeeding what so ever!! The hospital I delivered at was very pro BFing so they were like Nazi's. I had every nurse, lactation consultant, visiting nurse, etc poking and prodding trying to help with his latch. I thought it was perhaps since he was so small (5.5 lbs) so I would try to feed, then pump, then do it all over again. One day I dried up and I think it was my body telling me that was too much. I felt horrible for a long time. It sucked. Turns out it was the best thing though and life was much better. I didn't have to dread feedings and had time and energy to spend with my son. He has always been very healthy and rarely sick.
By comparison my daughter was a much easier baby to feed but there was still a lot of trouble. After about 2 weeks I found myself so frustrated with the feedings I was crying and decided then it wasn't worth it and it just wasn't my thing. Turns out she was tongue-tied which is where the feeding issues came from but truth be told I don't know how long I would have kept it up anyway.
Good for you for trying and sticking with it for so long. It's not for everyone and I don't think that gives others the right to make you feel bad for it. It's your child, your body and your family so you need to do what's right for YOU!
You tried so hard but when she acts so good after sucking formula down, what can you say?! I know what you mean about not pumping out crap...same here- I supplemented half and half forever! Then I found out my friend pumped out 8 oz at a freakin time....then I got some pills suppose to make you produce more...didnt do crap for me either!
lol,
You did a great job giving it your all, and you're doing the right thing if, at the end of the day, you have a happy baby. That's what's most important (well, that and that YOU'RE happy too!).
I do wish that in the comments other people could stop referring to pro-BF people, friends, nurses, etc. as "Nazis." That's a really offensive term for anything as benign as breastfeeding.
You tried. Hard. And you found something that works.
The end. :)
I am with you! Hated it! A friend from work breast feed twins for a year. I always think, what the what, do people really do that? Hopefully this will help everyone get a little more rest!
That full happy baby with a full happy belly is what you are going for whether its bottle or boob. I am glad you and she are not satisfied. Parenting the way you "think" you should sucks anyway.
I wanna see new pics! I bet she is getting big.
Oops I meant to say ARE satified. So sorry.
So maybe you don't get the milk pumping bumper sticker. How about the "Yay Me! I did what worked best for me and my baby!" sitcker? Only you would probably want a wittier slogan than that. Way to go for figuring out what worked best for your family!
What did you say to E when she asked you that descriptive question? I think I would have cried - I hated doing that. And then I cried when I decided to give up BF'ing and go to formula because I was *gasp* "hurting" my baby. Whatever. I already told Hubby that if we ever have another one, they can shove that pump up their butt and use it for an enema. (lovely, eh?)
Yay for bottles! Yay for happy full baby bellies! yay for mama who can get a break now!
Jaci-
Love your blog! I didn't realize you lived near Pgh-- me too! I hated breastfeeding too, and never once looked back after I made my choice to use formula.
as much as I WANTED to breastfeed, it wasn't for me...at all.
dr said to start supplementing cause baby was dropping weight...that was all the go ahead I needed.
done
I am so glad I checked your blog today! I am completely with you on the breastfeeding. I swore that with this baby I was going to give it my all blah blah nurse no matter what. WELL I HATE IT and IT SUCKS for me. I seemed to have the opposite problem of a too strong let-down and basically gagged my baby everytime. It was beyond stressful and I was miserable. AMEN TO YOU :)
You gave it your all, and then some, and decided to do what is best-make baby and mama happy!! From everything you've written, you tried harder than many, many mamas out there, beyond your threshold. Kudos to you and a happy baby!!
Ugh, anyone who says there is no such thing as low supply can kiss my butt. I produced almost NO milk w/my first. I tried pumping & fenugreek & an SNS. With # 2 I'm still nursing, but have very low supply even on Domperidone. I can pump 1/2 an ounce maybe from both sides. Yet I still get to experience the joys of leaking. He nurses maybe 5 min each side then has a bottle. I have not decided how long to keep doing it, because I know he is getting SOME, but I don't know how long I want to keep it up for such a little amount. I say, you are doing what is best for you. It's your choice and no one else's and that's fine. Your baby will be happy as long as she's EATING :-) Also, I have found that I can't look into my babies eyes when he's nursing, it just doesn't work. So in a way I feel like I'm bonding MORE when I do bottles.
Breastfeeding is HARD for the first month or two!! I took it week by week and would set short term goals. I got mastitis at week 5 - and it was horrible- but the only thing I could do was keep nursing while taking antibiotics. It took me two 14 day rounds of meds to finally get rid of it. And finally around 8 weeks things quit being so painful and we are now one week from a year! Thankfully my son has never wanted to eat every 2 hours or I probably would have given up long ago. From the begininning he at every 3.5 hrs and then quickly went to every 4 hours.
I hated pumping though and so feel your pain there! Since I don't work, I gave it up many months ago and just decided if he had to have a bottle it would be formula. And I found that while I make plenty of milk for him, I don't get as much pumping.
While there are many benefits to breastfeeding, it doesn't always work and I've never met a formula fed baby that didn't turn out like a normal child!
You know what? There will be plenty of things to feel guilty about as a mother. This is not one of the things to waste your guilt on. I hope that came out right, it was meant to sound supportive. But at 6 days post partum myself, who knows if I am making any sense... Anywaaaay, what I am trying to say is... breastfeeding or no breastfeeding, you are doing a beautiful job.
I know this post is old, but THANK YOU so much for putting it so straight up. I'm in the same boat right now with a 1 week-old baby sleeping on my chest, content after being fed formula. I've been giving br a try, but after my baby and I sit there for 1-1.5 hours and she comes off screaming and obviously hungry, I want to break down or climb up the wall. I have been feeling guilty for not giving it a better try (i.e. paying for lactation consultants, etc.), but your attitude in this post makes me feel much better about my decision to formula-feed.
so once again, THANK YOU, JACI!
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