Thank you so much for all your advice and support. I've read through each and every comment a few times today, chanting a mantra of "It gets better...it gets better...it gets better...".Yesterday was Elodie's first doctor's appointment--and first trip out of the house for both of us. And when your baby is breastfeeding anywhere between 40 minutes to 4 hours, a simple trip across town is stressful. What if she wants to eat? Where am I going to feed her?
Elodie weighs 7.6, has plenty of wet and poopy diapers, and looks good. (Whew! I'm not starving her!)
The trip wiped her out and threw off our whole system. She slept hard, woke often to nurse, and we had our biggest number of nursing sessions EVER. So I was really, really sore. And? Like an idiot, I acted like I was healed and over did it. By midnight, I was exhausted and in no mood for more painful marathon sucking sessions.
Naturally, that's when Elodie decided to stay up all night to suckle--and by "suckle" I mean just dork around with my nipples biting and chewing and sucking in and spiting out until I shoved her at Kevin and said, "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I'M DONE!"
He sat in the rocking chair with the baby furiously jamming her fists in her mouth and grunting, while I sat in bed practically crying, venting about how I just can't feed her another time...I'm too sore and she just plays around...I can't do it...
Then I'd say, "Give her to me," and try to nurse one more time, biting my lips and tensing up through the pain. I'd make it through maybe 10 minutes, and then I'd have to break her crappy latch (which, sadly, was the best of 100's of crappy latches she offered me) and hand her back to Kevin--drowsy, but not asleep--and the whole cycle would start again.
By 3 am, I crashed. I broke down. I finally said it (and meant it): "JUST GIVE HER SOME FORMULA."
Kevin cracked open one of the free hospital bottles and gave it to her, while I sat in bed and felt like I just ordered him to give her arsenic. (Seriously, Jaci? You fed Elizabeth nothing but formula, you sleep deprived moron!) She took a few gulps and then refused it.
FAIL.
After another half hour of angry fist eating, I tried out the side lying position and she finally--FINALLY--fell asleep at 4 am.
I'm still exclusively breastfeeding (no formula, no pumped bottles, no pacifier) but each feeding is a huge struggle. I'm committed to two more weeks before I allow myself to quit. Until then, I'm gritting my teeth, curling my toes, and giving it all I've got.
I love how all the breastfeeding literature screams, "It's easy! It's natural! It doesn't hurt! (If you're doing it right...)" but every woman who's breastfed says, "The first few weeks are pure hell no matter what you do." Why isn't that in the hospital pamphlet? Along with tips on how to help it? Instead I feel like I was handed a bunch of useless propaganda.
Tomorrow, I'm starting a new game plan. I'm going to start pumping and slowly create a store of milk in the fridge, so when another night like last night hits, I can hand Kevin a bottle of pumped milk and say, "Have fun with that." I'm also throwing out the anal retentive feeding schedule and will feed when Elodie wants to eat.
Here's hoping tomorrow is a turn around the corner...
35 comments:
Hey Jaci, well done surviving a rough night! The expressing sounds like a brilliant idea! I did that with my first and it meant that I could get some extra zzz's and the hubs got some bonding time (that's what I called it anyway!)
I wanted to say yesterday, but was conscious you already had a lot of comments to read. If she's growing well, which she seems to be, I wouldn't worry to wake her in the middle of the night. We were given the same advice and it totally screwed us around and I had to endure weeks of unnecessary night waking to as she was trained to wake after 3 hours but naturally woke after 4-5 and would still wake then even if I'd woken her only an hour early - does that make sense. In short - never wake a sleeping baby when that sleep is occurring in the middle of the night.
You're doing a great job!
Jaci, congratulations! Breastfeeding is difficult. Set small goals for yourself, like one more week, or even one more day. When I was bf-ing, if I was having a hard day (or lot of days) I would say to myself, "I'll make the decision whether or not to quit tomorrow". The next day was usually not quite as bad... Do what you can, but it's not easy, no matter what they say... I bf'd 10 weeks with my 1st, 4.5 months with my 2nd, and 6 months with my third.
Good luck!
Been there, done that. Hang in there, Jaci. I think that's a good call on the sleep schedule.
get the lansolin cream...im telling you...best 10 bucks you ever spent....put it on all the time...within hours you will be amazed at no pain! then you can go back to just complaining about being all tired and just sick of breast feeding..but you wont complain about your sore nipples- gosh you just gave me a flashback of that pain! lol
Just keep swimming.... Just keep swimming.... Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming....
This is the part that sucks. Really. Just try to make it through one feeding. Once it's over, try to make it through the next one. DON'T be like me and try to think about, "What will happen at the NEXT feeding???" That only stresses you out. Just worry about the feeding you're on and keep going.
Try to switch up positions. Do the football hold. Sometimes, what I'd do, is sit on the couch right next to the arm, and wedge the baby between me & the arm, then have her feed that way. Kinda like the football hold but with a little more support and wiggle-control.
And, don't fret the paci. If you want to give it to her, do it. You can take it away later. Pacis are not heroin. She won't suffer any ill effects. really.
You can do it. But, if you don't want to, no one's going to judge you. honestly.
TJ did a TON of "comfort nursing", aka using me as a human pacifier, the first few weeks. I was SO sick of bfing and even called someone from LLL in tears over how much of my days and nights were spent nursing. Her response was, "yeah, that's just kind of how it is at first"... yet another thing they leave out of all of the bfing literature... the upside was all of that nursing really got my supply going and i was able to build up a nice stash through pumping as well.
I know it is hard and I am honestly not looking forward to the first few weeks of bfing this new one myself! Hugs to you, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job!!!
oh sweet girl, it IS hell... but, it DOES get better once your pregnancy hormones are gone (like, probably within the next week or so.)
i had a terrible time with m -- she'd scream at me like an angry old man while i tried to keep from hurdling her to the floor. yes, it was that frustrating. yes, it hurt that much.
and then, on top of that, you're probably getting hit with the baby blues.
btw, formula is not satanic. yeah, breast is best - but really, you've already given her colostrum (the most important stuff!) and please try to remember that what's best for the MAMA is what's best for the baby. in other words, if giving her boob is making you miserable, then STOP.
one more thing: having a glass (or two) of wine a day will not hurt her -- so go have a drink. i promise, it WILL help ease the pain :)
and remember - you are doing a great job :)
Great job making it through a frustrating night. It can be tough, for sure, but not impossible.
Just wanted to say that I second the lanolin nipple cream and the pacifier. I bf #1 for 13 months, #2 for 16 months, and #3 is 4.5 months - never used a drop of formula, and I used a pacifier right off with each of them. #1 wasn't interested in it, but the others loved it, and still nursed well. Even the pediatrician agreed that there's nothing wrong with it to give yourself a bit of a break.
If things aren't going more smoothly in a week, I'd talk to a lactation consultant for some help. I'm almost certain you ought to find it a bit easier at that point, and going pretty smoothly by 3 weeks from delivery.
Good job on making it through such an awful night. I remember those days and it did get better....although I never thought it would. I cried every day. Don't wake a sleeping baby...ever....I don't care what kind of schedule you are on....and to be honest...my husband used to be brag to his friends that he didn't have to do anything....but now...who has the tight relationship with her daughter....and it all started over breastfeeding. Have a better Weds.
I'm so sorry that you're so miserable :-( I forgot to add one other thing that my mom has drilled down my throat: if you come to find that you hate bfing, switch to a bottle. She tells me that all the time bc she doesn't want me resentful and unhappy. I think its great that you're giving yourself a goal, that's what I'm going to do too.
Side note- Something interesting about today vs 30 years ago.. LCs used to recommend that you roughen up your nips. The whole rub your skin off with a towel sounds cruel. But what my mom had me do is use my hands to stimulate where the baby will be. I hope it helps to reduce the shock to my nipples. We'll see. But this way, my skin isn't getting killed and my nipples are still getting prepped. Plus I now know where he should latch properly.
Another thing, maybe you have more sensitive nipples than the average girl? Not that I know what to do about that lol!!
Wine!!! That's another 'must-do' in my mom's book. Drink yourself some wine!!!
I haven't read through your many comments to know if this has been said, but I highly recommend reading "How my Breasts Saved the World" It was awesome and honest and really helped ME not feel like a moron trying to breastfeed. The author specifically speaks to her family mantra of breastfeeding is natural and easy, blah blah blah. The 3 week mark really is important. It's not magical right after that, but leaps and bounds better. I like your idea of pumping, too. I did that and would just crave a pumping session to skip one feeding once in a while in those first few weeks. And try a paci if she's really just playing around. She might just like to suck. Good luck! :)
Hang in there girl!
It does sound like she just wants to suck and not actually hungry. Seriously try a paci. I tried to hold out with my first and we made it a week. After I was sleeping in 45 min. intervals, I gave in to the paci. My other 2 left the hospital with one. Breastfeesing is hard in the beginning.
I breast fed all three of my children --- #1 for 6 mos, #2 for 4 & #3 for 3 YEARS. No kidding. All the while my mother was rolling her eyes (not only did she NOT bf, she slept in a maidenform bra every night) and my dad kept saying "That kid sure eats a lot." I bf in front of my family but not my husband's cause they freaked out. I once bf in the bathroom of the state capitol building --- on a toilet.
All I can say is do what works, feed kids when they are hungry, don't wake a sleeping baby, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty or inferior or like a FAILURE, because that is one thing you are NOT.
Jaci- You're doing great!
You're a great mom.
I so admire your sticking to this. I couldn't do it. You are awesome!
Have you seen a lactation consultant? I know, I know - how hippie-dippie to have a person analyze your breastfeeding situation. But give it a thought if, after another week, you are still in pain, because it really shouldn't HURT after that. Your nipples have to adjust, but her latch should be getting reliable enough not to hurt you. My consultant in the hospital definitely helped a bit.
Hang in there - nobody tells you how hard it is in the beginning, but it's worth it in the end (if only to fit into your jeans faster than other moms out there :)
Great name, btw - how did you find it?
My youngest liked to use me as a human pacifier too. I caved and gave him a pacifier when he was 2 weeks old because I could not take it another minute. I ignored all the "it will mess up his latch", "he's not old enough yet", "he's going to have nipple confusion" comments and did it anyway. Guess what? He was FINE. He took the pacifier and was able to soothe himself so I could finally get him on a more natural feeding time frame. He used the pacifier for 3 months and gave it up.
I completely agree with the wine. 100% agree. My pediatrician said if I drank a glass of wine right after a feeding then it should be timed just right for the next feeding.
If she's gaining weight, I would not wake her to eat. I would stick to the 3 hr feeds in the daytime maybe but I'd let her wake herself to eat at night. Good job on surviving a night of hell. IT WILL GET BETTER!
My favorite bf'ing relief was my finger in his mouth. If you need a break from your nips being the great human pacifier and Kevin's not there to hand her off to, lay back and get her comfy and pop your finger in her mouth - that will keep her occupied while you breathe.
I said a prayer for you...I really really want this to get easier for because it's evident how much you want to do this.
Congratulations on your beautiful daughter! You are doing a great, great job.
I second, third, and forth the lactation consultant idea. Is it expensive? Yes. But having her come to the house twice to consult and help us figure out breastfeeding was a life saver! And completely worth the cost!
My little one was such a strong sucker that I was scabbing. That's right, scabs were forming on both nipples! The pain was toe curling and unbearable, but I dealt because I thought that was what you were supposed to do. The consultant gave us two magical solutions - 1st to use nipple shields to give me a little protection. When that wasn't sufficient, I pumped exclusively for two days to allow myself to heal completely and my husband fed her from the bottle. It was heart wrenching and I cried to see her on the bottle, but I NEEDED that time so badly. My nipples healed, and I was much, much more careful to make sure she was on right, etc, from then on. I went on to use the sheilds for a month and a half, and when I took them off, baby did just FINE without them! Turns out she just has an amazingly strong suck, so I still need to keep an eye on her, she can chew me up and leave me really sore, silly girl!
Hang in there, it will get better, and you are doing a great job! Call the lactation consultant and get yourself some help!
What a great picture! Your daughters are so cute. :-)
(no advice from the non-mother, just wanted to tell you what you already know about how cute your girls are!)
Hi Jaci, congrats on the new baby! The first week or 2 of breastfeeding does suck! I breastfed my first for 13 months and on month7 with my second- I total agree with those who suggested lanolin cream and pacifiers they will make things much better. They also have gel nursing pads that you can put in the fridge that are amazing! Oh and I totally recommend using a lactation consultant she can help the the latching issue. Hope this helps and good luck!
You can do it! Have you tried those gel pads for your nipples? They are like heaven! I used those the first couple of weeks and it helps with the pain. You're doing a great job!
Phew, what a night. it is so difficult balancing exhaustion and pain and worry...I think your plan is great - give it your all for a few more weeks, create a backup so that Kevin can help out, and feed on demand.
and...if you find a cure to that period of time at night when they just want to suck/chew/generally mutilate your nipple, please let me know - I'm going through it right now!
Get these asap. The link is to amazon but they may sell them at your hospital; they did at mine. http://tinyurl.com/2b3sfvm
They're the gel pads another poster mentioned and they are magic. My son was born with horrible tongue tie and by the time it was discovered and fixed (right before we left the hospital) my nipples were bleeding. The lactation consultant recommended those and it was the best $25 I have ever spent. They feel so good when you're sore (especially straight out of the fridge) and they really do help you heal fast. Buy Them!
Also, Fenugreek capsules. You can get them at your local health food store (or online) and they can help boost your milk production (they don't work for everyone unfortunately). Three capsules three times a day for about 4 days should do it. I know she's gaining weight well but you're about to hit a growth spurt (if you haven't already) and the cluster nursing associated with it. If you can pre-emptively boost your milk supply so she doesn't have to cluster nurse to boost it you'll both be a lot happier.
The girls are SO cute Jaci! you are doing good. It doesn't matter that you are not a marathon BF'er. You are trying and that's all that matters. Don't beat yourself up about it and just do what you can...you are doing a great job!!!
Dude. Breast feeding fucking hurts so fucking bad. I swearrrrr I didn't have any labor pains that even came CLOSE to the breast feeding pain. I remember my whole body tensing up as a curled my toes and cried and screamed and howled in immense pain. One time I tried pumping and nothing but blood was coming out of my nipples filling up the bottle. So awful.
My mother (who breast fed my twin sister and I, one on each breast, for 6 months constantly) LOVED every second and said it didn't hurt at all.
Everyone's tits are different. I only lasted 6 weeks without formula and I'm proud of it. It was freaking hard. I'm going to TRY to go longer next time, but goddamn it hurts.
You'll make it!!!!!!! If you give in to formula, don't beat yourself up. You're doing an excellent job, putting yourself aside for your darling baby so you can give the lil monkey the best you can. That's wonderful, truly. It doesn't make you any less of a mother to give in, even if it's only once in a while!
Good luck. Your kids are lucky to have you as their mother!
sorry i didn't read all the replies someone may have already mentioned it but... did your doc give you any pain meds? use them! it was the only thing that got me through 4 weeks of a baby piranha! i literally had holes in my nips the size of pencil erasers. anyhoo, it will get better i promise! i ended up having to exclusively pump on one boob until it could heal up. but it does get better, even enjoyable. i swear :)
good luck
Congrats on surviving one hell of a night. You're seriously a trooper because I'm almost positive I wouldve given up. You're doing great!
you have a zillion comments and I dont know if mine will be read, BUT; you're trying. You're doing what you can and you can't feel bad for that! Im probably a moron for thinking it's just going to work when I try. I better buy some formula to have on hand!
I think you are totally on the right track...pump to create an emergency stash and go by her cues. I have yet to hear of ONE woman (and, despite my many flaws I have quite a few friends, most of whom have kids) who has not had a major issue with breastfeeding. It's just HARD. So you're not alone, you're doing everything right, you just have to forge ahead.
And I know this is not popular but I personally am a fan of formula supplementation when necessary. We had trouble with supply and as soon as we started supplementing we had a much happier boy on our hands, and the nursing sessions we did have (basically in the morning and early afternoon) were light years more relaxing. I just don't understand beating your head against a wall for months on end trying to BF exclusively when it's difficult for the baby too. To me, it's better to ensure the baby is getting enough nutrition, regardless of where it's coming from, while knowing that s/he is still getting the goodness of breast milk. I'm not saying you're there yet -- you definitely should keep at what you're doing for as long as you feel comfortable trying -- but I'm just suggesting that it's an option out there...an "in an emergency break glass" alternative. So just know that either way it won't always be like this! Hang in there!
So proud of you for hanging in there! I gave my daughter a paci the day we came home from the hospital and she was fine- its great for when your nipples need a break!
Jaci, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call a lactation consultant.
I cannot stress how important this is if Elodie has a shitty latch. You're giving yourself a week or 2 more...and I think that's great, but it's just going to be a week or two of pure HELL if you don't have someone help you with the latch. It's key - it's EVERYTHING.
*HUGS*
I seriously want to drive to PA, put you and Elodie in the car and DRIVE you to a freaking LC!!! :)
I'm getting caught up on your posts, but I so could have written this one. What is it about us mom's that feel like we're failing when we give the baby formula? I gave Adam two feeding of formula while trying to get the hang of breastfeeding and felt so stinking guilty about it. Same with giving him a pacifier. Once I stopped stressing and gave him the pacifier, we nursed for nearly 5 months! Hang in there! Good luck!
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