For 3 weeks now, I've handled Elodie's near constant screaming with a smidgen of self-control. (Meaning I haven't stuffed food in my face until I feel calmed by a Thanksgiving-ish nausea.)
I did not handle Elizabeth's colic well. She screamed every night from 5-midnight without fail. And when I say "screamed" I mean the screaming you hear when a baby is jabbed with a needle or has just been dropped on the floor. That wailing that sends adults (and even children) running into the room to see what the hell happened. Imagine THAT kind of screaming. From 5-midnight. Every night. For weeks.
One night I handed her off to Kevin and warmed up her next bottle...while binging on mini Reese Peanut Butter Cups. I ate half a bag in 3 minutes. I remember sort of waking up, looking at the pile of wrappers on the table and thinking, "Holy shit! Why did I do that?!?"
By the time Elizabeth hit 6 months, I tipped the scale at my labor and delivery weight--only this time I was pregnant with a Food Baby. I promised myself I would NOT stress eat with Elodie, no matter what happened.
Well, guess what? Tonight I sat down with restaurant leftovers and scraped the last bits off the styrofoam within minutes. Damn it. What's wrong with me? I know eating isn't going to do anything--it isn't even going to make me feel better! I'll stuff it down, feel too full, and then I'll cycle into a shame spiral...
Wait a damn second...
Am I doing this so I hate myself instead of Elodie?
...
It makes sense. Colic wears on my emotions until there is nothing left but anger. It tears at my nerves until I'm looking into her screaming face and thinking, "She's doing this on purpose! She's a brat! I hate--"
I hate what? HER? A helpless 6 week old infant out of her mind with pain? The baby that I'm so utterly useless at comforting? The baby that I long to escape from when she cranks up? The baby that I pawn off on relatives whenever she starts because I can't take it?
Maybe I eat to distract myself. Displace the anger a little bit. Move it off the baby and load it all on Jaci the Heifer Who Can't Stick to a Diet. She deserves the anger, not the baby.
Or how about Jaci the Bad Mother? The one who sits in the bathtub with a trashy novel and ignores the screams Kevin struggles with downstairs? The one who knows she should put the book down and go relieve him, but instead sinks deeper in the water and pretends she can't hear?
When people ooh and ahh over Elodie, I stand there with a fake smile plastered on my face trying to feel as enthralled with her as they are. When someone says, "Oh, she's so precious!" I feel like crying out: "You don't know what she's like!"
I even have wild thoughts of asking my doctor for anti-anxiety medication because I just want to zone out. I can picture myself walking into his office and saying, "Don't knock me out because I still need to function. Just give me something so I don't give a shit anymore."
This could end tomorrow--or it could drag on for 6 more weeks. I'm trying so hard to survive it intact.
17 comments:
My daughter had colic too!! I am still on anti depressents 3years later!! Check out www.colicease.com. It did not cure it but it took the edge off!!! GOOD LUCK!!
Did you ask the Dr. about her possibly having reflux? My second had horrible colic, but now looking back, I think it was reflux. He would only sleep being propped upright. It was months before he actaully slept in his crib. Before then, it was his baby Papasan chair and the swing. We also put baby Gax X drops in his bottle and gave him Gripe Water. Didn't cure it, but we definately saw a difference. Good Luck!
P.S.-Love the Blog! ;-)
I have triplets and two of them had colic for the first 6-8 weeks. It was pure torture and all I wanted to do was taking my one quiet baby and run away to a land far far away. A friend of mine suggested using Dr. Brown's bottles and Little Tummy's brand gas drops at every feeding. A few days after making the switch, our nights were a little more quiet. It didn't solve everything, but it did get MUCH better. I didn't mix the gas drops into the bottles. I gave it to them from the medicine dropped right after I burped them. The mylicon didn't work. Just the Little Tummy's brand. I hope things get better for you soon. I know how hard it is to listen to the screaming every night. It will get better! Hang in there.
We had a reflux issue too. We switched to a formula that was all soy based and got the drops and propped him up in a swing/on a boppy and things improved.
I hope things get better for you quickly
We used to call it "arsenic hour". Only, it didn't last an hour. Natalie started screaming every day at 3 and it didn't end until she wore herself out sometime around 11 p.m. It was miserable, and I remember laying on her nursery floor crying while she lay in her crib screaming. All I'm saying is... I empathize. My husband was deployed at the time (came home when she was 5 months and over colic) so please take advantage of those baths and trashy novels! For the both of us :)
You are hungry from the breastfeeding. I was starving all the time! It is crazy!
It may be some emotional eating mixed in there but as my daughter hit growth spurts and milk went up I saw my appetite pick up a lot! It is normal.
During evening fussy periods, I strap the wee one into either the sling or baby bjorn and go for a walk - with my ipod. This has been great for me, because 1. often the walking motion puts the kiddo to sleep = silence, 2. I'm getting exercise instead of eating ice cream, and 3. Even if the little guy screams, at least I'm moving, and if necessary I can turn up the music to drown it out a bit. Plus, once a neighbor saw this routine and brought over a dinner, to make life easier - who knows, it could work for you too! Best of luck...
Girl, you know my story. & you know I'm here for you.
Blair the Bad Mother was the way I always chose to go. Even on nights when I was standing there holding him, just because I couldn't make it stop.
You're doing a wonderful job.
Have them check for reflux asap
My son was called colic for 6 months till reflux the real cause caused him to not gain weigh or height for 4 months. I wish I would have known or pushed harder to get answers. IMO colic is BULLSHIT! there is something else going on.
Mylicon drops worked for us. It was a case of wanting to open the front door and hand her to the first person who walked by.
Try the Mylicon - I resisted it when mine was small because the doctor said they didn't work. Eventually, I caved and it worked miracles for him.
I will repeat what I said before, but i don't know if any of it is making sense:
Just do what you feel is safe and right. Try something and be patient to see a result. But in the end, make sure you take care of yourself because, like on the airplane, you must first give yourself oxygen to breathe before you can be of any help to children.
Even the small amount of sleep you're missing is a lot in these early months. Cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to be less than perfect. No one will love you any less, especially us.
I know all about sinking into the water deeper and pretending I can't hear! I think that move should be considered a survival tactic...
I completely know what you are going through. My daughter had colic, starting right about at 2.5 weeks and ending (finally) at 10 weeks! It was the longest 7.5 weeks in my life!!
If she was awake, she was screaming...end of story. NOTHING worked, I tried everything: bouncing, swinging, baby wearing, pacifiers, car rides, walks, you get the idea. NOTHING! It was possibly the hardest thing I had to deal with because as their mother you are hard wired to respond to their cries. When I could do nothing to soothe her I felt helpless. Not to mention all those wonderful looks you get from bystanders who can't believe you are just letting your child scream like that. Like I would choose to listen to my child shriek, really that would be on my top 10 list of fun things to do don't you know?! I would have her strapped to me as I sat on the couch, exhausted from walking around the house, and my husband and I would just look at each other and wonder when this was going to stop and why doesn't anything help. People around me didn't understand until they witnessed it, they would insist something must be wrong and something must help. Even my wonderful Mom who kept claiming it has to be something finally understood after some time with us! Honestly in my daughters case I think it was colic, that's it. She was gassy but nothing unusual. My son had reflux and she didn't seem to have the same problem. She just cried, loudly and all the time!
Then all of a sudden, one night, it occurred to me that she was awake AND quiet!!! From then on things got much better over the course of that week. When the colic had ended she was the easiest, happiest baby and I was quite possibly the happiest Mom ever!
I know it sucks and it's beyond hard but hang in there. It will end (hopefully sooner rather than later for you) and one day you will realize the screaming has stopped!
Go get some nutramigen and put her on it for a week. No soy, no dairy, no more trying to see if this works or that works - go straight hypoallergenic and get your sanity back.
It's expensive and stinks like hell - she'll fight you about it, but she'll get over it and start drinking it - it may take a day or two. But I promise the fight she'll put up over the smell/taste will be small fries compared to the colic crap.
Please, give it a shot.
My first had serious colic. My husband worked long hours and I was stuck inside a tiny apartment with a newborn the screamed 20 of the 24 hour days... I was miserable.
I tried EVERYTHING I could think of and when I was at my absolute wits end, my mom brought me a bottle of Baby's Bliss.
I am not a "give them something" kind of mom so I was extremly sceptical. But, I was out of options so I gave him a half dose. 20 minutes later, he was asleep. I was amazing...
I know it can be found online but we had a CVS that carried it. It's definately worth calling about!!!
I'm so sorry. My son has had a couple of bouts of screaming/crying due to his constipation, and if he did it every day? I might punch someone. I hope she grows out fo it soon.
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