Let me tell you a little about last week.
1. 4 year old sick with sore throat and 101 degree fever. In July. (WTF, universe?)
2. Half colicky, brand new baby without her 2 month round of shots.
3. Stressed out Mom trying to keep children separated so baby doesn't end up sick.
4. 4 year old freaking out that Mommy isn't paying any attention to her all week long.
5. Mom got her first postpartum period and all the hormones that go along with it.
Thursday night I sat up dwelling on everything that's going wrong in my life and how I can't seem to get a handle on SAHMdom with two kids. By 5 am, I gave Elodie her early morning feeding while quietly sobbing--then after I rocked her back to sleep I threw on jeans and a hoodie and grabbed my car keys.
I didn't know where I was going, but I had to get the hell out of there.
I got coffee at Sheetz and found a dollar bill on the floor and thought, "This must be a sign! God wants me to buy a lottery ticket and He'll pay some of my bills!" (Oh blessed thought! If only I could win one or two thousand dollars! That's it! I'm not greedy!) I didn't win jack squat. Clearly, God was only handing me pity chump change to cover the coffee.
Fail.
Then I had an impulsive thought to drive to my sister's house in Myrtle Beach. Just up and leave. Who could blame me? It's just a weekend off! I'd come back! (Sometime.) But then I remembered I was wearing a sweaty old hoodie and I didn't have my contacts in and I needed pads and I doubted there was enough money in checking to even cover the gas to get out of PA...
Fail.
So I drove 45 minutes away to the college I want to finish my degree at this January. I had the morbid idea that I'd sit in the parking lot and stare at the campus and tell myself that I was going to do this thing no matter how little money we have or if we can't cover our freaking bills. I don't care! I'm finished it! I'm going back to school full-time! I weaved all over the road because I was absolutely exhausted and Sheetz coffee didn't even touch it, then when I got there my idea suddenly felt extremely gay and I turned around.
Fail.
I decided to head back home and imagined that by the time I pulled in the driveway Kevin would come running out the door all concerned and scared because it's Friday at 7 am and Jaci's not here. I pictured this whole scenario where he'd call off work to take care of me and tell me that everything is going to be okay and we're going to make it through this and we'd cry and have a 3 day weekend... I pulled in the driveway and walked into a totally quiet house because for some freakish reason everyone slept in so no one even noticed I was gone. By the time Kevin finally came downstairs I was pissed that the 3 Day Weekend Dream wasn't going to happen and announced, "I'm not stable enough to take care of the kids today. I haven't slept, and I'm going to bed."
Fail.
I went straight to bed and for the first time could care less whether Elodie had enough clean bottles or had her diaper changed or that someone else understood her feeding schedule and what needed to happen next...I just said, "Screw it. They'll figure it out," and passed out. I slept til 4 pm.
When I woke up the only thing that inspired me to roll out of bed and face the world was to tell Kevin, "You're buying me a drink. I don't care where we go or how much you spend, you're buying me a drink." I had a chocolate martini. It was worth the $6.50.
For the rest of the weekend, I slept all day while Kevin handled the kids. When I heard someone scream downstairs, I rolled over and ignored it. When it was time for church on Sunday, Kevin got both kids up and dressed and went alone...and I didn't even hear a thing.
You know what? I don't feel the least bit guilty about any of it.
24 comments:
My 2 babies are 15 months apart and it was REALLY hard to adjust to having 2. But now 6 months later I am a pro. But I definitely had days like that. And it makes it suck a lot more that you are having money issues. I hope tomorrow is better. Heres to winning the lottery
You are doing a great job. Don't be too hard on yourself. :)
I've had a whole 9 days without panty liners or pads since she's been born. I hate my body so much right now.
Things will get better.
Those are some of the realest revelations I have ever read Jaci, bravo to you for being brave enough to write them.
I don't think there is a mother who hasn't found herself overwhelmed with the car keys in her hands. Maybe those stepford wives/mothers do exist but I'm certainly not one of them, nor are any of the women I know.
That which does not kill us...
The best mothers are those that admit when they need a break for the good of the mommy and the family. there have been times when my son is suddenly dropped on my lap and the next thing I here is my wife driving away in her car. No words, no instructions, just here's Nick. vroom......
Mommies need a break too..... Don't worry about it. You probably got more REAL sleep over the course of three days than you've had in the last 2 months.
And I am sure on Monday your husband will be driving to work thinking how cool it was that not only did he get to have so much one on one time with the kids but he got to help you too.....he'll smile and wonder how you do it..... much love and respect to you Jaci!!!
I'm glad to hear you got some sleep - being sleep deprived makes everything worse. Even better? I'm glad you don't feel guilty about it, because you shouldn't.
Good for you. Sometimes, moms just need time away, no need to feel guilty about that! Glad you were able to catch up on at least a little sleep!
We all need days like this.
I'm glad you shared this. People always try to pretend. To act like they have it all together...that being a mother is easy and instinctive, and if it's not, there's something wrong with you. I wish more people would be so honest. I hope you're starting to feel more rested.
And kudos to Kevin for helping.
Good for you. I know it seems like the depths of hell when it all goes down, but taking a break will reset yourself and make it all so much easier. A few "wallow days" as we call them can be the best medicine.
You can do this and you are still a good mom. I think we all need to learn that good moms stay that way by taking some time to work (super sucky) stuff out. That is the sort of stuff no one ever mentions in parenting magazines.
Pollyanna moment: you have a great hubby who pitched right in with no questions asked, he loves his kids and you, and this time will pass.
Best wishes for a better week :)
Good for you, especially on the sleep & alcohol parts. I fully approve.
Lucky you to have a hubs like Kevin! Girl, Let me tell you, my first 2 were 19 months apart and I was a single mother. I was working parttime and going to school. The next 6 years added a marriage, 2 more kids, a degree and a career as a teacher. I never allowed myself time for me, especially since my ex was the equivalant of 2 15 yr olds in one body and refused to have anything to do with parental responsibility. After an awakening, a divorce, another marriage, a career melt-down and kids that are almost grown enough to take care of themselves...The previous 15 yrs caught up to me. I think I slept for 4 days, and my hubs took care of everything. He's MAKING me not do everything! It gets better, as long as you allow yourself some time to breathe. My mistake was trying to be so strong that I missed a lot. Don't do that to yourself, hun. Let Dad take care of things sometimes, and take a breather. There really is no harder job in the world than being a SAHM mom, with a working mom being a VERY close second (I only say that b/c at least you can talk to human type creatures). Get your sleep, enjoy your martini, Make time for yourself, you will truly be a better mommy if your world DOESN'T always center on kiddos.
<3
If you feel guilty, then we all need to and I don't want to. Do I? Yes, but there is NO reason to! It is a partnership with kiddos and Mom's have this guilt if they check out sometimes. BUT, for the most part, the guys don't mind. It is self inflicted guilt.
I feel guilty when I don't tuck Hagen in at night....that is stupid. One night is not going to hurt either of us. AND he doesn't even care if it is me or Daddy?! So why do I put that pressure on myself?!
I use to love nights when my Dad was in charge...Mom would go play bridge and Dad made breakfast or something like that for dinner...it was SO fun!
I need to remember what I just typed to you here in a few months when I add a second kiddo...remind me OK??
I am sooo going to do that just as soon as I:
A. Feel comfortable enough to leave my hubs alone with my child
B. Stop feeling guilty.
Good for You!!
You have every right to recharge your batteries. I wish I could take that advice!
a: i went back to school when my second was 6 weeks old. My oldest was only 18 months, we were broke from having just moved 2,000 miles, but I was bound and determined to finish my degree and have something that was me that wasn't mommy.
b: tell yourself every night that you are an amazing woman and mom. sound cheesy? I suppose, but goodness, if no one else will tell me that everyday, I will tell it to myself.
it get's better. it seriously does. mine are now 17 months and almost 3 and although I have my days, it is fulfilling and it is worth it!
Ha! I have a 20 month old and a 4 month old....the first three months was a balancing act but you'll get it. I have to say....do you know how lucky you are that you can say that to your husband and get away with it? My husband would say I love you, but I'm going to work!
You sound like an adolescent.
Jaci - I know you're working against the depression you've had in the past and are fighting anxiety now. It's a lot to do on your own, and it's plain that you're beat down. Please consider talking to someone to ensure you're on the right path. While days are hard sometimes, there should be *some* sunshine and light. Good luck!
Well, someone just had to go and be an asshole on here didnt they?!I hate to have Ms. Anonymous for a mother I tell ya..probable dresses her kids like dorks an they will be the ones my boys make fun of at school for being lil sissy babies:) I tell ya, the nerve of some people... she really needs to stop being so damn nosy and quiet reading ur blog if she doesnt like it!!!!!
I am with u all the way on ur stress with raising kids and the whole nine yards! I guess I am nothing but an adolecent too!
Let the truth be told. We all have moments, the problem is no one ever talks about it so you feel like the only one! This is why I love reading your blog b/c I know that others are having or going through the same things w/ mommyhood! Thanks for sharing and hang in there!
I'm glad you don't feel guilty, because sometimes that's the hardest part. It's wonderful to have a husband who understands when time alone is needed. Mine does too, but I still feel guilty when I'm doing my own thing sometimes.
This shit is HARD. My 4 year old has become THE whiniest child in the entire world since I had baby. Just in the last couple of days Id ecided I am done with that and have started ignoring it until he can talk normal to me. The baby is exhausting, and mine doesn't even have colic.
The more time goes by I think that it will improve. Some days I think about what it was like when it was just me and my husband. Some days I understand why a life without kids is appealing. But in the end I know that I love my kids too much for that. I think any parent who doesn't think about that kind of stuff, or who says they never think about driving away even for a day or two? They're lying.
And, Anonymous? You can suck it.
Being a stay at home mom isn't for everyone - (it isn't for me!), and I think you are falling into that camp. Could you get a part-time job as much for your sanity as for the extra $$, even if it is just a break-even with daycare? Because, clearly, things can't continue how they are. You NEED a break!
I am sending you huge hugs right now. I'm sorry that you're going through all of this! The good part is, that this too shall pass. :)
I was thinking about you after your last post.
Thanks for being so honest and opening up your head to us all. You did what any guy would do if he was that tired, so don't beat yourself up about it just because you have that title of "Mom".
Good for you that you took that mental and physical break. There were many times that I needed to do what you did but I never could as i was a breastfeeding mom and my babies would never take a bottle :(
Keep smiling and please do know that it will get better and easier eventually. Just be kind to your self, you only gave birth WEEKS ago!!
Allison in Australia:)
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