Last Friday, I hit rock bottom and had to call a major time out. This Friday? It's the complete opposite. I'm feeling strong and happy and thinking somewhere, in the back of my mind, I just might be able to handle this.
So. Yeah. Life is on the upswing.
I got so many e-mails from fellow moms reaching out to me and letting me know that I'm not alone. It makes me wonder exactly how many moms are sitting at home, right now, miserable with depression? How many have the baby in the playpen while they lay on the couch too depressed to get up? How many stretch nap time way longer than they should and ignore the toddler crying in his crib? How many don't get a shower until late afternoon? How many plaster on a fake smile when her husband's keys jingle in the lock and pretend that everything is okay?
I'm not the type of person who can fake it. I can't lie and my poker face sucks. When something is bothering me, I don't shove it down and smile like a typical girl. And since I'm not an adolescent *eyeroll at anonymous* I use my big girl words to deal with it. I'm not a people pleasing teenager anymore. I'm not going to stifle all my little heartbreaks and hurts so I can be pretty and popular and not bother anyone.
This blog isn't full of drivel about baking cupcakes with Children of the Corn lookalikes and every! happy! sentence! doesn't! end! with! deranged! exclamation! points! Or emoticons. And I don't write in pink font. This is Ravings of a Mad Housewife. Sometimes funny. Sometimes WTF? Always real.
My breakdown last week was not a proud moment. I don't like to be weak. But I shared it because I'm not unique in feeling overwhelmed. I'm not the only Mom who's ever had to hand the kids off to her husband and walk away, and there shouldn't be any shame in that! We're not martyrs. We're mothers.
The very worst thing I could have done would be to suck it up and try to handle Friday on my own. To send my husband off to work and spend 9 or 10 hours isolated with two innocent children when I knew I could blow at any minute would have been asking for trouble. And as for Kevin staying home...
What responsible parent would leave their children with someone who says "I'm not stable right now"??? That's called neglect. He did exactly what a husband and father should do--he put his family first! Shrugging his shoulders and saying, "Good luck with that. I have to be at work at 9," would have been like waving his big ol' middle finger at me and the girls. What man would do that?
I think I'm struggling and I think that's normal. I don't need medication. I don't need to beat myself up. I don't need to do it all and be the martyr of my family. I just need time to adjust.
After all, it's only been 10 weeks.
22 comments:
Well said. Being a martyr is no good for anyone. Parenting certainly requires a certain amount of "suck it up," but when you hit your limits it is healthy and wise to take a break. Thumbs up to Kevin for stepping up to the plate. (and thank goodness you don't end every sentence with an (!), that drives me nuts...
"After all, it's only been 10 weeks"
Exactly!
I am glad that you are on the upswing. Just as I was getting all steady and thinking my postpartum was a thing in the past, I found out my mom has 2-5 years to live and then I got fired.
So, um, yeah, there are plenty of days where I do all the things you said- longer naps for baby, laying on the couch... But on those days my husband and other support buddies are totally there for me.
I'm sure you know/have been told this, but around the 3 month point, babies get so much more fun.
You're doing awesome and it sounds like you have a super dude to stand by you. I find my worst moment coincide with my most tired.
I have feelings of guilt and anger- anger bc HE (husband) can't get up and breastfeed in the middle of this night and HE doesn't hold the baby all day and WHY WON'T THE BABY STOP CRYING WHEN YOU HOLD HIM?!?! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG justgimmmehim.
And guilt because...I'm his mother...I'm supposed to take care of him and push these feelings aside.
But...people crazier than me have done it before and will do it after so it's time we figure it out giving everyone else the finger along the way, right?
Keep on keepin' on, sister.
Well put! I'm glad you blog the way you do...it's real.
Jaci,
I know how you are struggling. I hope you can start feeling comfortable in this new fit, this new family dynamic, this new chaos that is called your life. It is an adjustment and all changes are so hard, especially on the woman who's usually expected to be the glue of the family. Lucky us!
I know I've only been commenting on your site a short while but I'd really encourage you to read the post I wrote yesterday on my blog. It really addresses exactly what you're going through. I was right where you are, but about 7 years ago. And, I lived through it, so there's proof that you'll live through it! LOL
While last week may have "not been your proudest moment". I was very impressed that you were able to be so candid about how you were feeling. I think a lot of moms have been there (myself included), but too few are willing to admit it. Thank you on behalf of un-perfect mothers everywhere!
I found your blog through the magic of google when I was on my second week of false labor and your post about it was the only thing that made me feel better.
I SO appreciate your honesty and your humor - I have no idea how I'd get through the tough times if I couldn't write about it and can't believe anyone would suggest you should either. Rock on.
Having a newborn is hard enough. Having a newborn with a toddler is 5x harder, I would think. You were being a good mom by handing off to Kevin. Period. And the fact that Kevin took the reins - that makes him a good father and husband.
Everyone's experience is different and it's different with every baby. Each of us has to muddle through the best way we can. Some days it's easy and some days it's not.
But please don't dismiss medication out of hand. Post Partum Depression is a very real and very scary condition. Depression is insidious in that it steals away our perspective, our reason, and our normal ability to handle stress.
If a bit of medication can help you get over the rough spots, there is no reason not to utilize it.
If you were drowning in the middle of the ocean and someone threw you a life preserver, would you reject it because you think you SHOULD be able to make it to shore all on your own???
要用心經營哦~~祝福你~~
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Found you through the 'next blog' option at the top of almost every blogger template.
Way to speak your mind. And I'm glad you're feeling better. Look forward to visiting again soon
Jaci, you will make it because you are a survivor. I think it is great that you have been sharing all your feelings....there are other new moms out there...who maybe don't know what is going on. Yes, you are real...and that is why I enjoy reading you.
You know, I can't get your postings off my mind....I never comment just surf the lives of other SAHMs while I breast feed. I think we have all had moments and I love your candor...not just another oh! I love to craft and cook blog (both of which I can finally accept I do not want to do without feeling guilty). You are right that your husband did the right thing in that moment and I think you knowing he would allowed you your time out. if you don't have a husband who would take that on or are a single mom, you have no choice. Rely on him more if you can so you don't get to that point! Good luck.
yeah for your husband! My problem is I dont ask for help until Im already pissed off at my husband for not already helping, and stressed and emotional from all the crying. sigh. You're doing great.
I love your blog BECAUSE you are real. I feel like we're in similar boats, and it makes me feel better to know I'm not alone. You're right, your hubby did the right thing by staying and helping you. Still, I know a lot of Dads/Husbands who are not so helpful and may have pulled a 'suck it up'. Things ARE still adjusting, even though 10 weeks can seem like forever, it's really not.
10 weeks or 10 years...we're all going to have tough times and need to ask for help. Asking for help, I believe, is showing we are stronger than "faking it". One of the hardest things (and best things) we can do for ourselves and our families is to reach out for help. Good for you.
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Well said...love your blog...love your frankness (is that a word?)...love that I can relate to you as well as many others out there. It's hard to ask for help sometimes because we all want to look like we are in control, but EVERYONE (if they will admit it or not) has a breaking point.
I didn't read your comments from that post, so forgive me if I'm accientally defending some rude douche.
BUT. There is nothing wrong with taking medication if you are depressed. There is simply no reason for someone to be miserable because of depression, or PPD. You're not being "strong" by being miserable all the time because you can do!it!without!drugs!
You very well may have had a rough day. It happens to everyone, and if someone denies it? They're lying. I think part of the issue with a blog is that all we see is your life, as you present it here. And let's be honest: you've had a rough year, Jaci! You can't read back through your blog and say that you don't sound depressed. You just can't.
I was *this* close to suggesting an antidepressant after that post, and I didn't. I'd hate to be the one making a faux paux when really I'm just trying to be helpful, you know?
Maybe you are like me, and you are most inspired to write when things aren't good. I mean hell, I'm hilarious when I'm miserable!
My point is that there is no shame in throwing your hands in the air and taking some medication to make it just a little easier. I took Wellbutrin for 6 months PP and IT SAVED ME. Then I was better and didn't need it.
Just found your blog and I love it. I have a four month old who was very colicky and has food intolerances too which means I've been on a diet where I can't eat anything trying to figure out what's up with him.
Kudos to you for knowing you needed a break and taking it. There's no shame there. I could take a clue from you instead of feeling like I'm just going to go insane some days.
Hang in there!
I had post partum depression when my son was born in January 2008. All the medication did was make me gain weight. I stopped taking it in June 2009, claiming to my doctor that I would rather be misreable and thin than miserable and fat.
Because I don't want to go the medication route (and my hormones have still not adjusted fully) I went to the health store and got "maca" - it is a root similar to a turnip (from what I understand) and it evens out hormones. I've been taking it twice a day for a few weeks now and I am a totally different person. You might want to look into it. Best to you and all your dealings - I think more of us understand than you know.
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