I'm shocked that 99% of you advocate marital Don't Ask Don't Tell. I figured someone would be all for it.
Like me.
I didn't really make my question clear. It came across like, "Do you want your husband to drool openly in front of you and say, 'Baby, your friend is freakin' HAWT!' ?" Who would want that? Any spouse who does that is an insensitive douche. In fact, that should be one of the boxes to check on the Divorce Papers: Irreconcilable Differences Due to Unbelievable Douchebaggery.
I meant something more along the lines of "I feel drawn to your friend, and I'm worried about it."
(See...that's what happens when you write a post in under 5 minutes and hit PUBLISH with a baby squirming on your lap. Meanings get lost.)
Would you want to know? Is that something that you could confide in your spouse?
22 comments:
I meant to comment on your last post and forgot about it! Pregnancy brain. But yes, my husband and I actually use the TELL policy rather than not saying anything. If there is a problem where I'm feeling attracted/drawn to someone, I tell him. I want him to do the same. That way it's out there and protects us from acting on it and keeps us accountable. If you can't be accountable with your spouse, who can you be accountable to? That's just my personal opinion. No judgements to those who don't feel the same, I just feel it has protected our relationship in a few instances!
okay, still, no. It would create an awkward sitch for you & your friend. I mean, what if your friend told you "My husband is attracted to you"? Wouldn't that make you feel weird every time you were around him? How could you discuss stuff about your friend with your husband? You want to tell him how she told you a joke over coffee this morning, and all the time, in the back of your mind, you worry that he's pituring her in a thong.
Do. Not. Broach. The. Subject. It is just a can of worms.
K - That's exactly what I mean! Accountability! Fencing the marriage! YES!
Why can't I just say it like you did? Stupid 4 month old baby brain.
It sounds like you're asking about more than just an obvious physical attraction, which makes this question a whole lot harder! I know what my husband finds attractive, so he doesn't even have to tell me about it. But if he's "drawn" to someone and "worried"? Yikes. I would not want him to be around that person without me there. But if he hid that type of thing from me, would the feelings just get stronger? Would him telling me make it better for him, or for me?
If my husband was worried about the feelings he was having towards someone else, he would probably be feeling guilty. He would want to tell me out of that guilt, so he would feel better, but I would end up feeling worse.
So I'm thinking I'd prefer him to control himself, and leave my out of it.
I can see what you're saying and why you'd want to be open about it with your husband. K said it well.
Only you know what's best between you and your husband. Some people can talk about it and be fine, and some people can't. :) I'd say if it's going to be awkward for one of you, don't touch it. If both of you are 100% fine with the subject and can handle it well, then go for it.
The answer is a big, loud 'NO!'. I had also meant to comment on your previous post, but I just didn't want to write several thousands paragraphs in your comment section.
Jeremiah and I are strangely (and totally aware of our immaturity) jealous. It's probably the issue we have to work on the most as a couple.
I've was never a jealous person before I was with him...it's very strange.
There! Less paragraphs then before!
I would say that it's definitely important to discuss the possibility of being genuinely attracted to someone (if it's more so than just being attracted to a super hot guy). I would probably stay away from naming names if they were a friend of the hubby only because I would not want that situation being awkward.
I think that was what I had said...if it were an actual attraction...YES...if it was like...oh, he's cute...done...I don't know...sometimes I have made comments about other guys, like one of his friends is a pretty big dude, and I told my hubby this..."If I were to ever do a big guy...he'd be the guy!"...I also told him why I thought that, he's funny, good looking, etc...so I guess we are tellers...well...at least I am....hmmm....
For me I cannot tell my husband if I am attracted to someone else I am so worried that I would hurt him. but I stay as far away from that person that I can. And I don't let myself think about someone else. I think that you have to do what you can to protect your marriage. For some that is telling their mate for others its keeping it to yourself. I don't think I would want him to tell me either. It would bother me. I just want him to stay away from her.
No, do not share these thoughts with your husband. DO NOT! If you feel you must talk to someone about your feelings, go to a priest/minister or a girlfriend good at keeping things to herself. DO NOT GO TO YOUR HUSBAND AND EXPECT HIM TO REACT IN A HELPFUL WAY. DO NOT! Don't you realize that men never react the way we expect when it comes to relationships? Please, just don't!
I agree with Mellodee. How can your spouse help you with that without being furious, or worse...hurt? I think it would be more wise to see a Therapist to get to the bottom of those feelings.
I know who is on my husbands list and he knows who is on mine and we are pefectly happy with that fact and each other...
I'm sticking to my vote of NO. Feelings could be hurt, trust issues might surface. It would just stir up a whole mess. Someone else mentioned talking to a friend/counselor, etc. If you HAVE to get it off your chest - that's the way to go.
my husband and i talk about everyone we find attractive. wether they are people on the street, celebrities, or friends. i think its important to talk about it constantly so that we are on the same page, and the communication is open if one of us starts feeling something for someone else.
Nope.
Negatory.
If I'd share something like that to my husband, he would definitely cut ties with his friend. lol!
nooooo i would not want to know...no way no how!
We can't have a civil conversation about the house thermostat. I can only imagine what would come with him telling me that he's attracted to one of my friends (who I am obviously hotter than!).
I think posed like this, it is entirely a different question. Posed like this I have to say yes, there is a need to tell. Communication is key in any relationship and something like this could really lead to trouble. I think the key is to be open and not jump down the others throat when they admit it. Nothing worse than someone admitting how they feel and then getting chewed another asshole for it. We all have feelings and in a relationship, you have to be mindful of those feelings.
In the end only you and your husband know what is right for YOU BOTH.
I prefer the tell all policy. Trust is SO key...I learned THAT from my divorce.
I would absolutely want to talk about it with my husband. I feel like the only thing that can come from not talking about it is that it builds up inside. Also, if one of us is feeling THAT much of an attraction to someone else, I'd want to try and find out why - if something is missing or needs to change.
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