I have a theory, newly formed. Once you get fat? Your body wants to stay that way. And if you lose the weight? Your body is going to do everything it can to get back to normal--FAT.
I saw pictures of an old friend who was always chubby. A few years ago, she dieted and exercised and started a whole healthy eating plan and lost a ton of weight. I mean, she looked amazing. Now? She's slowly creeping back to her old self.
When I saw pictures, my heart sank for her. I'm one of those friends who is thrilled for you when you lose weight--not one of those bitches who sneer and tell you that you lost it the wrong way and don't be surprised if it comes back. (Seriously, what is up with those skanks?)
So I was totally shocked by my jealous reaction to seeing a friend post-gastric bypass. I didn't recognize her. She's so teeny tiny and changed that I probably would have walked right past her on the street.
I felt uncomfortable around her. This big ball of bitterness swelled up in my throat and I felt nothing but jealousy and...fat. My thighs never looked so doughy. My wrists never looked so thick. My ass never felt so huge in my chair.
Even worse? My pathetic reaction was making me feel even more disgusted with myself. Since when did I become a bitter Fatty hell bent on rejecting any fellow Fatty who breaks rank?!? Am I going to be one of those women who only surrounds herself with overweight friends--and makes nasty comments about purging or anorexia with every thin woman I see?
We all have to struggle with our body image. We all get jealous. We all feel insecure. We all have body parts we loathe and fight with every day to look better. But when it starts to screw up your social life...well, honey, you have issues.
I'll always be "big". I'm 5'8 and curvy. I'm never going to have a petite, boy shape--and I'm okay with that! I just want to be happy and comfortable in my own skin...whether that's a size 14 or 4.
Maybe I'll be one of those woman who balloon up and down between sizes all her life. Maybe I'll always struggle against my body. But no matter what happens with me, I hope I'll have enough grace and self-esteem to feel happy for a friend's weight loss.
10 comments:
Dude- it's so hard. I'll be a Gap 10Long probably whether I weigh 165lbs at 5'9" or 150. (Maybe I'll be able to squeeze into an 8 at that point...)
But seriously- it's tough to find that happiness- I'm working through it with yoga and staying active and positive self talk. Not easy but it's a start, right?
Feeling insecure about yourself just plain sucks. While I don't have weight problems, there are other aspects of my physical appearance I'm self-conscious of. I remember someone asking me years ago, "Would you rather look the way you want to look or be happy with the way you look now?"
I couldn't answer the question.
I am 5'5" and 170. I can't seem to lose weight for anything. But my hubbie still thinks I am sexy and to me, that's all that matters!
Do you do that now? Only surround yourself with overweight friends and sneer at thin women?
You had A Moment--give yourself a break. It happens to everyone.
I get jealous when formerly heavy friends lose a lot of weight. I feel like I have nothing to talk to them about without doing it over snacks. I fear they're judging me because I'm still heavy. I don't love my body size, but I recognize that A)I'm lazy and B)I don't love exercise and I do love food and that's not a combination that's going to get me to Slimville.
But yeah, Women of Size all have periods in our lives where we get a bit jealous of former members who did move to Slimville. Then, after a while, we get back to our normal selves and are happy for our friends. Because we're friends and that's what we do.
I know that feeling of being uncomfortable in your own body and a little jealous - I think that's normal - as long as you don't let it consume you. I've lost the weight and you know what? I still have issues with my body. Is it the media or is it the way women are wired? I don't know - but I'm working on it.
For the first 38 years of my life, I was thin. Starting at the age of about 14, I decided to be thin (even though I was'nt especially fat to start with), and so I worked really hard to get thin and stay there. I didn't eat, and I exercised. That what it took for me to "look good." Well, now I'm 40...and I've decided that I want to live my life. I am eating, and enjoying it, for the first time in my life. And I have found that I am not unhappy with the way I look. My breasts are bouncy and full, they were always small and not especially interesting when I was thin, and my bottom is nice and round. I "feel" sexy. Where as before I just "looked" sexy. So let me just say, coming from someone who has been on both sides of the weight scale...Being fat is ok:) And I would appreciate it if society would stop trying to tell me that there is something wrong with me because I am!
I was the shapeless, bony teenager, but when I went to college, I gained the Freshman Fifteen. I stayed fairly thin until after I married, and now I'm heavier than I'd like to be, but like you, at 5'7", I have some curves. And my bone structure isn't delicate, either. As much as I'd love to be a size 6 or 8 again, I know that isn't a healthy weight for me. If I were at a size 12, I would be very happy. My goal for this school year is to avoid processed lunches. Maybe that will help...
I went to a 30year HS reunion last month. I started feeling jealous of all my friends who I haven't seen in 30 years who were now skinny. I was always the skinny one no I am not. I had to make myself remember that I am happy at the weight I am right now and not to worry about everybody else cause they sure aren't going to help me any.
Hey Jaci, I've been meaning to tell you about a book I've been reading called "You'd be so pretty if..." the subtitle is "Teaching our daughters to love their bodies - even when we don't love our own" by Dara Chadwick. Thought it might interest you... I got it quite cheaply from thebookdepository.co.uk (who post worldwide for free)
xx
blood in, blood out.
sigh.
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