This morning Kevin and I had a fight immediately upon waking up.
(I mean, come on, that takes some talent.)
I stumbled into the bathroom and said, "Would you feed Elodie?" Then it started: both of us witching about who had more to do and who had fed her last.
I won because I hadn't washed my hair since Sunday. Trump that, biatch.
I hate that because I'm Mommy, I'm expected to jump up and run to the crib when I have to get ready for work, too. Or that I should be dying to balance her on my knee while shoveling my dinner down my throat at lightening speed because--again--I'm Mommy.
Kevin will roll out of bed and feed her, but he makes it clear that he doesn't want to. And he can do that because he's a Dad and he's not expected to have this all-encompassing need for a baby like I am. I'm supposed to mother cheerfully--he can bitch and moan through fatherhood.
There's also this unspoken rule that Mom Gets the Baby. If a mom and dad are both in the room when the baby has a problem, it's automatically assumed that mom's got it covered. And if she asks dad to get it? Eye rolls. Heaving sighs. Judgment.
My greatest wish? That Kevin would want to do the work. Not do more work, or spare me more often from the work I don't want to do (like the explosive diaper). Just go pick her up happily. Just jump in and do something without being asked. Don't sit back and expect me to do it.
Can anyone else relate to this? Anyone else feel like your husband sees himself as Emergency Back-Up when it comes to Baby Duty, instead of an equal partner?
26 comments:
YES.
Good Lord, I could have written this post. I feel like this all the time (& so does my hubby's sister with her husband, so you're not alone!).
I do have to give him some credit, we've worked out a routine for the mornings and evenings where he gives our son his bottle, and he does pitch in a lot. But I don't know the last time he changed an explosive diaper; it's "my" job.
My favorite is when he's sitting watching a baseball game & says (without moving an inch) "I think he's _____ (fill in the blank)." I so want to say "that's nice, darling. go fix it!"
so yeah, I totally know what you mean.
I TOTALLY feel the some way!
I feel that my husband and I take equal roles on child care. He understands that since I am a stay at home mome, I have him ALL the time. So he knows he has to help when he's not working, or I'll lose my mind! I feel very blessed, but that's how it should be, right??
This is my thought every single day!
My husband acts like our son is MY job and when he does help me I should say thank you to him. Guess what honey.... it's not help, it's your job too!!!
I have this moment too, over so many things... Aaaaand then I remind myself how much better it is to have Daddy do anything than to be a single/ working/ student Mom... And remind myself to quit whining (tho inevitably, I'll be pissin' and moaning about dishes or laundry or pluginyourgoddamphonebeforethebeepingwakesthebaby tomorrow)...
Fortunately, I've got a husband who is happy to come home and see his baby or help me out with whatever. Is it worse this time around? I was wondering since Elodie wasn't 'planned.' Not that its an excuse for him.
My grandparents fight all of the time over the opposite issue. He has been retired for a few years now and is bored. So he wants to take over the housework/cooking and he follows her around telling her how to do it!! LOL she's going crazy and chews him out daily. She constantly says "where was this help when our kids were in the house! He used to come home and expect to be waited on every night!"
I love the different perspectives from your commenters today!
Wow! It's like we were in the SAME living room this morning. I am sitting here with my unwashed hair in a clip (at work) because putting on a onsie and changing a diaper was not half as important as the new phone app that was needing to be installed.
I am printing this out for my husband!
In general I think that this is very typical husband behavior and I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it to change. My kids are 13, 10 and 7 and my husband is clueless about their academics. For all he knows, my 7th grader has never learned to read. I love him, but one day I decided I could be pissed all the time or just accept that we have a very traditional division of labor in our house, kind of like the 1950's or something. The rare occasion that he does kid duty, it usually isn't done right, as in only going over half of the spelling words with my 4th grader instead of all of them, forgetting to have them brush their teeth before bed, etc. --it is just easier if I do it myself!
Kate in Texas
My husband is Mr. Mom - has been since day one because I had such a hard time recovering from the c-section. I think he bonded more with K-man those first few weeks than I did - and I felt really crappy about it - what mom doesn't want to hold her baby? Hubby and I really split the baby duties. Since I'm the only one that really knows how to cook, if I'm wrapped up in the kitchen, he has K-man covered. And since I have a weak stomach for diaper explosions, I've only had to change a few - the rest I take K to him and say, "Gross! I think it's running out!" (nice mom, huh?) I know I'm really blessed to have a hubby like him.
Per the movie The Breakup...nobody wants to the dishes!
Our favorite line around the house.
I also share those EXACT same thoughts. Why am the only one at family functions that NEVER gets to eat first? Why is always me? Why if we are all sitting around, chatting and I'm the middle of a story am I expected to leap up and get DD before she tumbles into some type of harm while DH plays on his crackberry. such crap!
Our fights usually go something like:
ME: Don't you want the bonding time with your child and to feed her? (using maternal guilt to force him to do it with out *itching)
HIM: Sure, but BEFORE the game starts and not in the middle of the night. Get real
ME: But at 4 am, she's so cute and lovey. How can you not WANT to experience that? (that would be me lying)
HIM: (eye roll). Nobody wants to the dishes. Not even super Mom wants to do the dishes.
ME: Well played sir. Just go feed your (insert swear word) child and don't wake me up getting back into bed.
I realized last night that I regularly say 'thank you' to my husband when he does anything for the twins. He doesn't thank me. It is expected that because I am mom that I just DO all of these things. I am angry...I am tired...I feel like a single mom and sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better if I literally was one.
Thank you for posting this. It helps to know that I'm not the only one.
Ahhh!! I can totally identify with your post! Here's the enjoyment I have felt lately...after 8 years of getting kids ready by myself, dropping at day care, and then making sure I am ready and off to work, now HE has to do it by himself in the a.m. and get them both off to school. Ahhhh sweet bliss getting ready by myself in the morning for work!!! ...comfort yourself with what goes around comes around (or something like that!)
I totally can relate to this today. Last week I had foot surgery and I am not able to be super mom at the moment, crutches with a toddler are a complete joke. Last night my 3 yr old son woke up crying about 1:30 am and for maybe the 5th time every my husband has had to take care of him...he came back to bed after a whole 5 minutes and said "why when I just get relaxed does something have to be taken care of?"
Amen Sister!!! We have this fight at least 3 times a week because my husband works 4 days out of the week, and he needs HIS sleep. In fact, we had this fight this morning, at which point, he informed me that I lay in bed and watch tv all week while he works. We have 4 kids. What planet does he live on, I ask you?? I think most couples will be having this fight until the end of time, and I think men need to hitch up their big girl panties, shut up, and help without us having a melt down to make them do it!!!
I didn't read everyone else's comments so if this is redundant - sorry. Long time reader first time commenter - my favorite is when my husband offers to "babysit" for me so I can do something. Ummm its not babysitting when its your child honey.
ug; so difficult. I wont write long since you already have a lot of long comments. I agree that it's not "babysitting" when its your child. I stay at home so I do believe I have more responsibility than my husband, but BOTH of you work so thats got to be hard! Hang in there, and know you're not alone! If it makes you feel better, my 4 month old still wakes up every 2-3 hours during the night. Hopefully yours sleeps more than that!
I have a 11 month old (who still wakes up 3-5 times a night), and a 19 day old who was born at 33wks. So, needless to say, I have my hands full. Guess how many diapers a day my husband changes? Or how many feedings he takes care of (for either child).... zero. He plays call of duty til 11 pm or later (when he has to be at work at 7 am)then calls at 8 am to tell me how tired he is and how lucky I am to be at home sleeping in. Um, seriously dude? I was up at 2,5, and now at 8. Not to mention the fact that the 11 month old has been up since your alarm clock started blaring at 6 AM.
So yeah. I feel ya.
I have a 11 month old (who still wakes up 3-5 times a night), and a 19 day old who was born at 33wks. So, needless to say, I have my hands full. Guess how many diapers a day my husband changes? Or how many feedings he takes care of (for either child).... zero. He plays call of duty til 11 pm or later (when he has to be at work at 7 am)then calls at 8 am to tell me how tired he is and how lucky I am to be at home sleeping in. Um, seriously dude? I was up at 2,5, and now at 8. Not to mention the fact that the 11 month old has been up since your alarm clock started blaring at 6 AM.
So yeah. I feel ya.
I know what you are feeling although it has been a long time since I was there. I always hated it when my husband would say to his friends...I can't do this with you guys...I have to babysit. Excuse me????? He was the DADDY...or should have been.
Maybe I am a little weird, but I recall my wife and I being able to decide who would care for the child in need by a shared look between us. She knew when I had been working longer than normal hours, and she would get up at night for a feeding or do the diaper duty. I knew when she had had enough of doing everything, and I would step in. Not because I had too, but because any time that you are able to spend with your kids as a father should be treasured. Mothers are natural nurturers and kids feel their love. Fathers need to show, in the times they are there, that the family is the most important thing in his life.
Ha! I just came back from visiting a friend and her husband and their new baby...and it was the exact same thing...in fact, I was planning on writing about it next week...I will totally link back to this post, if you don't mind.
You.Are.Not.Alone
Oh, what a great post, Jaci! I kept saying YES! Emphatically throughout the read. My husband will help - occasionally voluntarily, but never without reminding me that I know how to 'reward' him. Huh?
Oh THAT is how this works? Ew.
I would totally love to see how the 'I've got two mommies" thing is working out for the mommies. It's got to be better than this!!
I don't have kids yet...but this is something that concerns me. I've tried to express my concern to my husband, but I'm not sure he really gets it. If we have kids, I have a feeling I'll be writing the same blog post on my blog.
Okay, I just had this conversation with a friend, and I'm gonna be a devil's advocate. My friend was all for this topic. However, when I asked if she would do some of the work that her husband always does (i.e. clean gutters, mow lawn...) she flipped out. "Ew, that's man work!" Why is there men's work, but there is not women's work?
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