I’m not gifted to be an elementary school teacher. I mean, I’d probably be fun. Or at least inappropriate and big on fart jokes. But actually teaching children lifelong lessons?
Uhhh…not so much.
I battle with Elizabeth to write the letter A the correct way. I keep telling her to start at the top point and go down both sides and she screams, “This is how I make my A!!!!” while starting at the bottom of one side and looping up and around. And when it comes to Z’s? We’re in cat-fight pose—ready to grab hair and claw eyes out.
Homeschool won’t work. (Unless we’re studying Debate.) I try to “gently” guide, she argues, I get irritated, she starts to whine, and then we’re both yelling at each other and throwing pencils around the room.
So when our church asked all the parents to take a month teaching Sunday School, I wanted to die. Me? Teach Elizabeth’s class? 4’s and 5’s? Have you seen how I interact with my child?!?!
On Sunday I braved the classroom with a copy of the teacher’s manual and a nervous stomach. That hour and a half of Sunday School is freaking long. Do you know the attention span of 4 year olds? They are done with an activity in like, 2 minutes. Literally. And you have to be ready with something else because they can smell fear and before you know it they are tearing around the room screaming and smearing markers on their clothes and you’re standing there wishing you could scream, “SHUT UP AND SIIIITTTT DOOOOWWWN!” in your best Satan voice.
But you can’t because it’s church. You have to be evil creatively.
The lesson was Jesus walking on the water, and the manual wanted me to have the kids stand up and pretend to be in a boat while I said a rhyme about: “Rock, rock, rocking gently.”
….
G-hay.
I’m not about to have a room full of screaming kids covered in Expo Markers.
So I improvised with a big fitted sheet and told the kids “Look! A boat! Climb in!” and then we shook the crap out of it while Kevin frowned in a white sheet and “walked on water” with his “I-can’t-believe-you-made-me-do-this” evil look. (Which wasn’t a very Jesus-y thing to do, Kevin.) The kids loved it and we had to tell the story over and over and over again as each kid pretended to be Jesus and the rest of them screamed and cracked heads together in the fitted sheet.
I encouraged them to scream and really get into it and at one point I yelled, “Argh! JESUS!” which if you think about it, probably sounded really bad to anyone passing by.
They shrieked so loud that everyone in church could hear them and I’m just waiting for the call telling me that I’m relieved of my teaching duties.
7 comments:
hahaha! i LOVED this. and am pretty sure that i have taught several lessons in my life that went similarly :)
Mommy *does* teach elementary school and she won't go below 2nd grade - they're like ants! Crawling all over in different directions... Sounds like you did a great job - if you're not careful they'll be trying to make it a permanent gig!
You get major bonus points with the Big Guy for doing this. MAJOR points!
very funny!! I wish you had been my Sunday school teacher. I was always in trouble for giggling or sleeping in church when I was little.
Loved it. I wished my teacher had done this...and kuddos to Kevin for participating. Glad it was not a bad experience after all.
You know, whatever works, right? I think it sounds great.
That sounds like a great lesson!
And hour and a half of Sunday school? I have 50 minutes with 3rd through 5th graders, AND I have someone else coming in to tell a story, and THAT is long.
Great job!!!
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