I'm doing waaaay too much (in case you couldn't tell from the silence around here) and I'm feeling that gnawing "I Suck" feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I see Elodie's toothless face light up when she finally sees me. "Mommy! Hey, I remember you!"
She's 6 months old now! Can you believe that?!? I'm a few months into my job, Elizabeth's 5th birthday is around the corner, and I swear I feel like I'm sleepwalking. Wasn't it August like, yesterday?
Where have I been?
At work. Jogging the Couch to 5K program. Attending (and hosting) crappy home sales parties. Painting the family room. Sorting too small clothes into super organized bins and storing them in the attic. Keeping up on laundry. Teaching Sunday school. Going to Mom's group. Going to choir practice.
Where have I not been? At home with my children.
I can jog for 40 minutes and my bathroom sink is all sparkly and I'm all caught up on my friends' gossip--but was I there when Elodie rolled over for the first time? No. Do I give her the last bottle and rock her to sleep? No. Do I tuck Elizabeth in and read her a bedtime story? No. Do I spend time with my husband? No.
I'm out running around a dark parking lot like a fool, acting like a stupid walk/run 5K is more important than my children.
I totally believe that we moms need time to ourselves to have our own interests and take care of ourselves--but I have gone way overboard! Kevin doesn't need to step up and help me more (because seriously? he helps so much more than most husbands). I need to ditch the running and stick to my old elliptical in the basement AFTER the kids are in bed. I need to put the home projects and giant chore list on the back burner. I need to let the laundry go and toss the too-small kids clothes in a box in the corner.
I need to focus on my children and be Mom.
8 comments:
I remember when I hit that wall. I was running every 5K-10K I could find, and doing much of what you are doing...and then one day....I quit. I never regretted it for a minute.
I totally get it. Though I will SAY that is the reason I dropped my Couch to 5k quest and not really because I am a lazy, non-runner. Of course, it is definitely because I want to be with my babies. Actually, we thought it would be nice to bring Aidan on a "run" with us on one of the early days. He could ride his bike blah blah. Well the kid wanted to run with us. yeah he had no clue how much running it was. So there I am with my 4 year "training." I am pretty sure people thought I was training my 4 year old for a 5k--we got some interesting looks. There I am with my preschooler, a stop watch, yelling "run, walk, run" to my son and sister. LOL. ok, sorry, done rambling :)
Ooooo! You do this, too? That whole pendulum thing where I hit one extreme, slap my forehead for being a fool, and then start the pendulum going back the other way in the great hope that it will hang somewhere in the middle. I think I cried about this earlier this week about how hard it really is to get this whole "life balance" crap in order and no matter how many times I "adjust" I seem to make the mistakes over and over (too much me time, too much toddler time, too much cleaning time, too much time-out time). It's frustrating. I sympathize. Drink some wine - or hard liquor. And know that I'd give you a hug if I could.
By George, I think she got it. ;)
It is sad when we start feeling guilty for exercising. But we all do. What is that?
But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to skip a night and stay home to cuddle babies. I can't think of a better reason to stay home occasionally!
Or start jogging with them. Well at least Elodie. Nothing jump starts your workout like pushing a twenty pound stroller with a twenty pound kid in it. Just think when you run the 5K without the stoller it will be like flying you are running so fast..haha.
I'd hate to see you give it up. Look around you- our nation is a nation of large butts. You are setting examples for your kids: you can play and chase with them. You can get down on the floor with them, you can carry them around. Lots of moms our age can't. I get up an hour before I need to so I can exercise. 4:30 am sees my butt getting up to do something. My husband and I do Insanity together. On the mornings he runs, I will run on the treadmill or do the tapes I like. We have 4 kids, both of us have full time jobs, and I coach cheerleading at the high school I teach out. We have several things in our life that are optional, but exercising isn't one of them. You are doing this so that you can be the mom they need.
Girl, it's all just a giant balancing act and I have no idea where the take-and-give should be. I have been spending more time with my husband and my kids, and yet the laundry is overflowing and every surface of my house is covered with clutter. Stuff is getting done, but just the essential stuff. I have a list as long as my arm of things that need to get done, like switch out summer-for-winter clothes, find a lost check, clean off my desk, etc. I dont' know what the answer is, but I think that if you spend time with your kids you'll never look back and say, "I wish I would have not spent so much time with them." I do think that I will look back and say, "I wish I weren't so concerned about my house being clean."
And, I'm sure that's what the folks say who are the stars of the show "Hoarders".
:-) I guess there's some hope for me... somewhere.... deep down...
Ugh. The balancing act sucks. I want to go to the gym, but it means leaving the kids at home with Dad or giving up the time I have alone with the baby while #1's at school.
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