I have been too exhausted to do anything other than roll on into work with glasses and dirty hair. I haven't jogged since the 5K. I haven't cleaned or cooked real meals. Most nights, I crawl into bed at 7:40 and don't move until 6 am the next day. And last Saturday? I slept all day. It wasn't even something I could control--my body just shut down and I passed out.
My crazy pace finally caught up with me.
God must have looked down and said, "Uh...yeah...this isn't working," because the universe intervened and my hours were cut. From now on I will now work a laughable 2 days per week--and with that I'm going to label myself a SAHM again.
I'm relieved. Not that the world of data entry isn't fulfilling *eyeroll* but things within the family just flow better on days that I'm off. The kids can sleep in. Elodie can dork around with her morning bottle and it's no big deal. Elizabeth doesn't regress in Grandma World. Dinners are more than Crock Pot Mush. And--this is hard to describe--but we're all calmer. There's no schedule to freak out about.
So...I've done a lot of thinking about this whole SAHM thing, and I've come to the realization that it sucks for me because I'm constantly comparing myself to others. Instead of relaxing and enjoying my (short) time at home, I torture myself with thoughts of how I don't measure up to other women--or to the woman I want to be. I haven't finished my degree. I don't have a career. I never even had a good job. We struggle to make ends meet. I hate myself. I hate my life. Look at me, all I am is a MOM...
...
LAME.
I'm the one making SAHMdom miserable for myself. Sure, the isolation and lack of adult contact is a downer, but about 85% of my problems are all coming from that nasty little voice inside me.
Help me out, internets. What do you say to shut that voice up?
14 comments:
I do this all the time and I tell myself:
"BITCH! Go grab you a class, fill it with ice, pour some whiskey over the ice and top it off with a splash of coke".
Seriously. Whiskey makes the world (my world) go 'round.
You know deep down inside you're a great mom. I know I am, but I still have times where I cry myself to sleep because I think my almost 4 year old daughter is broken or defective. Rumor is there's no warranty on her so I'm pretty much FUCT for a while.
Who needs social interaction from adults when you have me (us)?
Whenever you're feeling down, ask us how we're imperfect. It might make you feel more within the "ranks" :-) My laundry is never done, I have dust bunnies, my sink and/or dishwasher is never empty, my grout looks like shit, I have some moldy veggies in the bottom bin, my windows need washing, and I could keep going. Did I mention that my house used to be perfect pre-kids?
Guess what?! When we're old women and are lucky to see our kids once a month, you can have memories of love and laughter OR memories of running races and cleaning. In 30 years, your house will be clean and you'll have ALL the time in the world to learn about whatever :) Example, my grandma swifers the screens on her porch lol!!
Stay happy with what you've got, and if you need a reality check, ask your readers :) We'll probably make you feel good!
I shut mine up with Prozac. ;-)
Tell that voice, "Just get over it. THIS is life! It will get better or it will get worse, but it's what I've got right now!"
Sometimes bluntness is the only answer one hears!
I don't measure myself compared to other women. I see it as I am helping shape the future. I know how corny that is, but it's true.
I only work about 6 to 8 hours a week (I tech 1-2 short classes each afternoon. But I "stayed at home" 6 years before I started teaching. I love it either way. I can't possibly imagine trying to work more, I am non-stop busy as it is.
So glad to hear that you are slowing down a bit and relaxing. Don't measure yourself up to other people. Make your own standards!
I struggle with the same thing. Every. Day. According to that voice inside of me, I will never measure up to other moms and their perfect little kids. But then at other times, I just tell myself that they can suck it! I don't want to be them. In reality, I think most moms struggle with this. What looks perfect on the outside, could be falling apart on the insde.... just like me!
How about start paying more attention to the things that look nice at home? Your kids are lucky to have a present mom, you have time to play with them, make a mess, whatever happens, being home it´s huge blessing in a world where most people need a full time job.
The only way to shut that voice is... shut that voice, speak louder about what´s right. Being a SAHM is hard but it´s also lovely, stick to the lovely feeling.
Never think of yourself as "just a mom". It is, with out a doubt, one of THE hardest jobs! If I could some how swing staying home with my kids I totally would. As far as the adult isolation, find a mommy and me group so you can at least have other mommy friends. Look at the bright side of things, it could be so much worse. I had to go back to work 3 weeks after my second son was born and it KILLED me. My first son I was able to stay home for 6 months. They are only little once so drink it all in. You are awesome!
www.shutterbugmama2010.blogspot.com
Maybe check meetup.com to see if there are local Mommy and Me happenings near you? Mommy and I go out almost every day - for free, mostly - and that way we don't feel isolated. I get to socialize with other toddlers and mommy gets some grown-up conversation! And? JUST a mom? No such thing!
Yep, we do this no matter what side of the workforce we are on. I've been home for 21 months and every day I find some way to make myself feel like I am doing it wrong!
Hey, wow, I don't really know what to say because I do the same thing to myself. I look at other people's marriages and think, "I wish mine were more like hers." I look at other people's houses and think, "I wish I could keep house better. Hers is so tidy/clean." I look at other women who are fit and eat healthy and think, "I wish I were healthier. I need to menu-plan and drink more juice and less diet Coke." Etcetera. Ad nauseum.
The only thing that quiets my inner voice is to find my happy place and tell my husband that I really need to go there. Sometimes my happy place is having an empty laundry hamper, so I lock myself in my room and get ALL the laundry folded while watching TV (so at least for a few days I don't feel guilty about the laundry mountain). Sometimes my happy place is scrapbooking. Sometimes it's photography. Some days I have to put the happy place on hold for a couple more days because someone ELSE in the fam needs their happy place visited. It's a take and give and with a bigger family, I find less and less time for myself. Which sucks, but I try not to wallow in the thought of it because it only makes me sadder. I love my family but frankly they drain me. I recharge through time to myself, meeting MY OWN needs.
Wait, did I answer your question or just create my own bitch session?
Jaci, this is such an honest post and clearly lots of us relate to you. I think the biggest way to shut that voice is through prayer and through recognising it for what it is - lies. Satan loves nothing more than for us to be focussed on ourselvs & either filled with pride or distain; anything to keep us from feeling content with who God has made us and called us to be, free to focus on serving and loving others. Everytime you hear that voice, stop and tell yourself "that is a lie" and then replace it with something true - perhaps print out Psalm 139 and have it on hand so you can read and tell yourself someting like "I am not x, I am fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who does not make mistakes". Eventually the lies fade and the truth is implanted in your heart and mind.
xx
If you can make the bitch shut up, let me know!
I work from home and it's a blessing and a curse b/c I always think I should be doing something else...and I ALWAYS think that whatever it is I should be doing, I should be doing it better then I am.
It's a never ending cycle.
Margaritas help.
Yeah, I can't shut my inner voice up either! She's a biach in or out so I just flow with it....women can never be happy so whats the point:) enjoy what u have, always could be worse- thats my two cents!
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