Marriage Debate (Sub Paragraph B)

I'm shocked that 99% of you advocate marital Don't Ask Don't Tell.  I figured someone would be all for it.

Like me.

I didn't really make my question clear.  It came across like, "Do you want your husband to drool openly in front of you and say, 'Baby, your friend is freakin' HAWT!' ?"  Who would want that?  Any spouse who does that is an insensitive douche.  In fact, that should be one of the boxes to check on the Divorce Papers: Irreconcilable Differences Due to Unbelievable Douchebaggery.

I meant something more along the lines of "I feel drawn to your friend, and I'm worried about it."

(See...that's what happens when you write a post in under 5 minutes and hit PUBLISH with a baby squirming on your lap.  Meanings get lost.)

Would you want to know?  Is that something that you could confide in your spouse?

Marriage Debate

Oh, internets.  How I love you!  Whenever I have a weird question, I know I can turn to you and ask for advice, opinions, and the occasional insults of a troll.

Let's talk about marriage for a minute.  After all, it is Friday, and if we were Moms on top of our game we would have a babysitter all lined up so we could have Special Daddy Time.  And then, over our over-priced Chili's appetizer, we could smack our husbands with random theoretical questions and expect them to have deep, thought-provoking answers.

(And if they don't, we can roll our eyes and say, "We never TALK anymore!  Why can't you TALK?!?)

((Or am I the only one who does that?  Ahem.))

RANDOM THEORETICAL QUESTION:  Should spouses tell each other when they feel an attraction for someone else?

Some couples share their List of People I Would Sleep With If I Wasn't Married To You.  They have a few celebrities on there.  Maybe an unattainable figure, like their old Math professor or that hot barely-legal lifeguard at the pool.

But what about friends?  Co-workers?  Someone that with a tiny bit of effort could be attainable?

Should you share that with your spouse?  Or should you keep it to yourself?

Still No AFTER Picture. This Sucks.

Nutrisystem sucks.

I'm not even talking about the bad tasting food anymore.  Because honestly?  I'd eat dog food if it helped me lose 25 pounds in two months.

Nutrisystem sucks because each and every time I go off the res and eat something REAL (that isn't a fruit, vegetable, or hard boiled egg) my weight shoots right back up.  One day off the diet?  I'm 3-4 pounds heavier the next morning. 

I was down a total of 17 pounds, and now, after one stressful week (starting work, starting daycare, shipping out over 25 Ebay packages) I gained back NINE POUNDS.  Nine-freaking-pounds!  I didn't gain that much in one week when I was pregnant!

I'm not happy.  Obviously.

I'm back to eating the food and following the plan (2 months worth of food are STILL piled up in my dining room--what would you do?) but the magic is gone.  I don't know why my body clings to this weight.  Is it the Lexipro?  Is it stress?  Is it hormones?  Does God just want me to be fat?

Blech.  I loathe the Failed Diet self-hatred phase.

A Conversation About Ebay (Volume II)

Jaci:  Some dork is complaining that your Transformer....uh, Sideswipe?  *eyeroll at the gayness*  has paint chips and the chrome is worn off.  He wants his money back.

Kevin:  It's a used toy.  It's been played with.  I'm not giving him his money back.

Jaci:  "Dear 40 year old virgin..."  Oh, great!  He filed a case against us! 

TRANSFORMER LUV 4-EVAH:  Item NOT as described.  Item has excessive wear with paint chips in die-cast metal.  I have collected Transformers for 10 years and this item is in bad condition!  I could only use it as a parts toy!

Kevin:  There was nothing wrong with that!  It transformed!  It worked!  I never said it was MINT, you stupid asshole!

Jaci:  Wait.  Does this guy actually rip Transformers apart in his spare time and put them back together?  *snort*

Kevin:  He probably has them under his mattress and beats--

Jaci:  Eee--ugh!  KEVIN!

TRANSFORMER LUV 4-EVAH:  You should have described all the damage to the toy!  Your picture was deceptive!

Jaci:  It's a close up of the entire toy.  Did he want me to pose it in various positions?  Transformer-half-open.  Transformer-half-closed.  Transformer-attacking-Barbie-Dream-House.  Transformer-riding-a-hamster.

Kevin:  The stupid toy was listed at $5!  It's not my fault he got in a bidding war and paid $50.  I'm not giving his money back.

Jaci:  I want a hamster.  I like their little fuzzy knuckles.  So cute.

TRANSFORMER LUV 4-EVAH:  I want my money back!  Damn you, Decepticons!  

I'm a WOHM and a SAHM. Or Something.

After one day of work...I like it.

(I know.  I'm surprised too.)

I'm only there for 18 hours a week.  Playtex makes a bra that goes longer than that.  I think I can handle it.

I like sitting at a desk tackling one problem at a time, rather than multi-tasking several things (badly) with a crying baby hanging off me and another demanding snacks.  It felt so good to sit in my quiet little office and focus on mindless data entry.  Instead of tensing up and listening for the inevitable screams, I sat back and relaxed into the hum of adults and typing and calm phone conversations.

Elizabeth and Elodie did well at Grandma's house, too.  Elodie had her moments, but she didn't go on a hunger strike and she didn't scream the entire day, so I'm counting it as a success.  I know that after a couple months she'll be crawling all over Grandma's house and happily tearing into all of MIL's breakables.

I still don't know where I'm at on the SAHM vs WOHM debate.  I see working moms who rock the Have-It-All lifestyle with energy and organization, and I know SAHM's who are creative and fun and soak up each precious day with their babies.  Me?  I'm the mom who stumbles along with whatever life hands her at the moment.  There is no Grand Master Plan. 

And maybe I don't need one?  Maybe it's enough that we're all happy.  And healthy.  And the bills are being paid.

Say Hello To That 70's Office

Yep.  I took the job.

It's three days a week.  It's flexible.  I can roll in the door in a pair of old jeans and flip-flops.  (Because I'm professional.)  And?

And...that's it.  There are no more perks.  THE END.

So now I'm cleaning the house because I'm terrified that working with two kids will mean my basement family room will never, ever be vacuumed again (like when I was pregnant--true story) and I'm trying to tell myself that I can stay on top of all this with a job (even though I haven't been able to without a job).

I'm also wondering what exactly I'm supposed to take to the MIL's house.  I bought a super-sized can of Sam's Club formula, a box of diapers, and pizza rolls.  (Because obviously.)  I'm packing up random things like the Pack-N-Play (do kids ever willingly get in that thing?) and hooded towels.  I know I'll go to work and get a phone call saying, "Elodie just yacked on everything you brought over.  She's naked and screaming.  BRING HELP."

Speaking of screaming...  Elodie has stranger anxiety and screams when anyone else picks her up--including MIL.  During my job interview Elodie refused to eat and screamed until she passed out in her swing.  So I don't know if this is going to work.

I've never dealt with baby/back-to-work issues.  When I started work two years ago, I dropped off a potty trained toddler!  So I have no clue what to pack, what to expect, what's normal, or how I'm going to handle missing milestones.

Advice needed.

Breaking Up With My 20's

You taught me...

- College is no more difficult than high school (and just as meaningless).

- You don't pick a major because you "like" it--you pick it because it leads to a decent career.

- Roommates SUCK

- Beer is gross.  Girlie drinks are too syrupy.  Wine is awesome.

- I can cook.

- Having a nerdy side is hawt.

- Guys don't like a lot of make-up but they're suckers for fake blondes.

- Only women hate boobs and butts.

- Ramen noodles make you fat.

- Clubbin' after age 25 is just sad.

- Never ignore my Bull Shit Detector

- "Friends with Benefits" means one side wants in while the other wants someone better.

- Every woman has a crazy bitch inside her--it just takes the right guy screwing her over to bring her out.

- "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it."

- Weddings are like Prom with a 5 year old girl's Pretty Pretty Princess Party mixed in.  Lame.

- The Honeymoon's over when one of you farts and waves it in their face.

- Don't give a guy a video game unless you want to go to bed alone every night for 6 months.

- Student loans are worse than child support.  You won't get out of it when your degree turns 18.

- There's no shame in working to put food on the table--no matter how demeaning the job is.

- Paying bills blows.

- Marriage is for better and for worse--and the worst part almost killed us.   

- Love is changing the sheets after someone *ahem, Jaci* gets the stomach flu and poops in the bed at 3 am.

- Childbirth hurts.  Fo' realz.

20...you were swell.  We had some laughs, but let's just admit that it's time for us to go our separate ways.  I mean--it's not YOU!  It's ME!  I need some time to find myself and...


Oh, hell.  I could never lie to you, could I?  Alright.  I met someone else.  He's really special and thinks like me...  Let's face it, 20.  We've grown apart.  

I'm moving in with 30.

You Can't Escape the Chubby Cult...Not Unless I'm Out With You

I have a theory, newly formed.  Once you get fat?  Your body wants to stay that way.  And if you lose the weight?  Your body is going to do everything it can to get back to normal--FAT.

I saw pictures of an old friend who was always chubby.  A few years ago, she dieted and exercised and started a whole healthy eating plan and lost a ton of weight.  I mean, she looked amazing.  Now?  She's slowly creeping back to her old self.

When I saw pictures, my heart sank for her.  I'm one of those friends who is thrilled for you when you lose weight--not one of those bitches who sneer and tell you that you lost it the wrong way and don't be surprised if it comes back.  (Seriously, what is up with those skanks?)

So I was totally shocked by my jealous reaction to seeing a friend post-gastric bypass.  I didn't recognize her.  She's so teeny tiny and changed that I probably would have walked right past her on the street.

I felt uncomfortable around her.  This big ball of bitterness swelled up in my throat and I felt nothing but jealousy and...fat.  My thighs never looked so doughy.  My wrists never looked so thick.  My ass never felt so huge in my chair.

Even worse?  My pathetic reaction was making me feel even more disgusted with myself.  Since when did I become a bitter Fatty hell bent on rejecting any fellow Fatty who breaks rank?!?  Am I going to be one of those women who only surrounds herself with overweight friends--and makes nasty comments about purging or anorexia with every thin woman I see?

We all have to struggle with our body image.  We all get jealous.  We all feel insecure.  We all have body parts we loathe and fight with every day to look better.  But when it starts to screw up your social life...well, honey, you have issues.

I'll always be "big".  I'm 5'8 and curvy.  I'm never going to have a petite, boy shape--and I'm okay with that!  I just want to be happy and comfortable in my own skin...whether that's a size 14 or 4.

Maybe I'll be one of those woman who balloon up and down between sizes all her life.  Maybe I'll always struggle against my body.  But no matter what happens with me, I hope I'll have enough grace and self-esteem to feel happy for a friend's weight loss.

Lesson Learned, NutriSystem. Lesson Learned.

After 30 days on NutriSystem I am:

a.) down 12 pounds
b.) 2 inches smaller around my waist
c.) totally sick of the food

I'm glad NutriSystem ignored me and my awesome blog because now I'm free to say how much their food sucks my big left toe.

Breakfast is okay.  They have muffins, breakfast bars, oatmeal, cereal...  It's all *shoulder shrug* meh.  Some of it has that distinct, mouth-screwing-up taste of diet (if you've ever had diet anything, you know what I mean) but all in all, breakfast is not bad.  But...Kashi cereals are practically the same thing.  So are Quaker Instant Oatmeal packets.  And they taste better.

I like their lunches.  I'll straight up admit that lunch has been my favorite meal of the day because I love soup. And lunch on NutriSystem is soup, soup, soup, soup, soup.  Cup-o-soup actually.  Paper cups full of dry soup mix.  Just add boiling water.  And a salad.  They also have little cat food tins of pasta and *gasp* more soup.

But the dinners...oh, gawd, the dinners.  Imagine a room temperature Lean Cuisine mixed with Puppy Chow.

I cannot stomach the dinners.  I have gagged them down while the rest of the family happily digs into my casseroles and meatloaves and home cooked meals.  I hate picking at my little tray of dog food, drooling over what everyone else is eating (AND I COOKED DAMN IT!) while I'm being "good".  Or punished for being fat.  I can't decide which.

The snacks and desserts are hit and miss.  Some days I pick a goody (like the cookies!) other days I grab a dud (Sour Cream and Onion Soy Chips or certain chocolate bars).  Dud days make me want to cry, because after a dinner of Meow Mix I'm holding out for SNACK (yes, all in caps) to be my saving grace.

Don't believe the people who claim NutriSystem is delicious.  It's not.  It's sub par diet food.  There are better tasting chocolate protein bars and soy chips on the shelf at your local Wal-Mart.  And at least Lean Cuisine doesn't look like dog food.

But eating it has taught me about portions--and always serving sides of vegetables.  I rarely ever considered side dishes before.  It was hard enough to get the main course on the dinner table, let alone worry about broccoli or a salad.  Now I see that vegetables aren't Optional Dinner Fluff.  They're important. They help fill me up and keep me from reaching for seconds (or thirds) of fatty, calorie-ridden stuff.

They help those recipes that are supposed to serve 4...uh, serve 4.  (Not just me and Kevin.)  We don't need a 9x13pan of lasagna--we need a couple pieces and a big skillet full of zucchini.  We don't need two large supreme pizzas--we need one medium and a bag of salad.

And I don't need NutriSystem astronaut food.  I need to cook balanced meals. 

But my living room is stuffed full of it, so I better keep gagging it down.  And hey, it works.  For a diet, that's all that matters.   

Right?

Got Rice Cereal?

I just saw an ad for Enfamil RestFull formula.  It made me laugh, because this week I started sprinkling rice cereal in Elodie's night-time bottle.

The Rice Cereal Debate is legendary.  The milk purists think it's some kind of child abuse (obesity!  choking hazards!  allergies!) while on the other end of the spectrum moms are jamming so much freaking cereal into their kid's bottles it comes out like Cream of Wheat.  Does it keep babies full longer?  Does it help them sleep through the night?  And, even better, is mom a selfish whore for wanting sleep?!? 

I debated on whether to even admit that I'm pro-cereal because the backlash over this is on par with boob vs. bottle.  But, personal experience with two babies has shown that it works.  And now that Enfamil is trying to market their "rice carb" spit up formula as RestFull...hmmm.  I guess scientific proof exists.

I sprinkle it in (and by "sprinkle" I mean like 1-2 teaspoons--NOT a generous dumping) starting at 3 months.  Elodie was starting to wake up even more (1 am and then 4 am) and guzzling 5 ounce bottles at both feedings.  Now?  She sleeps from 10 'til 6.

I've had moms confess their dirty rice secret to me in whispers, but I don't see why it's such a big deal.  It's one bottle.  It's recommended for acid reflux.  It's the same first food baby is going to be licking off a spoon in a few weeks anyway.

Elodie is happy and healthy with her little bit of rice, and as her mom, I get to decide whether to add it or not.  So there, Bottle Patrol.  Neener, neener, neener.