 |
| Angela as a 30 year old mom is...me. Ugh. Pathetic. Someone give me a granny skirt and a grungy flannel. |
I'm full o' the angst. For over six years I've struggled to find peace with my choice to stay home/work and trying to find some balance between motherhood and...just being Jaci. I'm so tired of it.
Kevin looks at me like I am making a big deal out of nothing. "If you want to work, go to work. If you don't, that's okay with me." Ummmm. Yeah. Thanks for the I'll-support-you-whatever-you-do attitude, but that's not the answer I'm looking for.
I don't think he gets it because fatherhood hasn't rocked him to the core of his identity and given him endless options on ways to combine the personal and the professional. After a two week paternity leave it was back to the only option he has--career path. He can't relate to my nail-chewing and search for "Who am I and how do I combine all this into a fulfilling life?" He retained who he was and simply added "Dad" to the long list of letters trailing his last name.
(There are no letters trailing my last name--er, actually, his last name. Wait...)
It doesn't help that Motherhood has become so charged in our culture. It feels like SAHM has been elevated to some goddess level. Listen to any conversations about this and you'll hear plenty of working women say, "Oh, they have my respect! I don't know how they do it!" and SAHM's declaring that they are doing "the hardest job there is". Today, the ideal Mom is part Martha Stewart, part fun-loving babysitter, all "My Life IS My Kids".
 |
| "Look, Mikey! Mom's high! Let's steal her wallet and wait for the ice cream truck." |
Even more disturbing, working moms are supposed to long for the financial freedom to be at home. If you're working, you better have a good reason for it (like paying the bills). Women who stand up and say, "I can afford to stay home, but I like working," are given the stink eye and are accused of not loving their children enough.
 |
| Search Google Images for "working mom". All the pictures have a mom staring at a computer while the baby either smacks the keys for attention...or just dangles as an appendage. |
Betty Friedan identified The Feminine Mystique of the 1950's housewife: feeling lifeless and trapped in society's stifling ideal of what a woman/wife/mother should be. I just read the book and--it's still apt. (APT, I say!) I checked it out because it was mentioned in Mad Men and I'm relating way too much to Betty Draper.
Scary.
That led to a quick jaunt through all three waves of feminism to "catch up" on where We Women are. (My mind is goo right now because BIG WORDS! BIG IDEAS! I've spent the last six years only using my mind to figure out which Wiggle I'd do if someone put a gun to my head.)
 |
| Oh, wow. Uhhh...maybe blue? Wait. Let me see the gun again. Will death be instant? 'Cause that's a factor here. |
I found opinions saying that SAHMs are "opting out" of society and running back to the safety of home to bake bread, homeschool, and dig even further into that 1950's model our grandmother's stifled under (Pioneer Woman?) while others upheld the right to stay home or work as one of the biggest victories to come out of Feminism...there is no clearly defined mold that we have to squish ourselves into. I read a lot things that made me mad, made me laugh, or just made me think.
In the end, I think working vs. SAHM boils down to one basic question: "What's your motive?" Not the excuses/reasons/issues we hand society to explain how we're spending 40 hours of our week--I mean the real motives you only admit to yourself.
I had to lay myself open and honestly ask, "Jaci, did you opt out? Did you grab a SAHM ticket to escape your crappy j.o.b.?" Yes, internets. Yes, I did. In 2005 when I said to Kevin, "Let's try for a baby!" I was absolutely miserable as a bored no-longer-newlywed stuck in Retail Hell. Finishing college wasn't an option at that time...but having a baby was. So I grabbed the only escape cord dangling in front of me.
No regrets! I love my daughter, and I gave myself over to my new career as her sun and moon and stars while the universe laughed at me and said, "Ha! You still have to work part-time retail to pay the bills! SUCK ON THAT!" So, yeah. Kind of shot myself in the foot with that one.
Then the MIL moved to town in 2008 and a whole realm of possibilities opened before me. A babysitter?!? A job?!? Maybe even school?!? A real career? I was so overwhelmed I was shaking and puking on the carpet like a nervous chihuahua. I had put all those old dreams away, you know? I locked them up and focused on my baby because it was too painful to remember that one last, final year of my Bachelors was always just out of reach. Now the universe was saying, "You want it? It's yours," and I didn't know what to do with that.
What do I do with that? It's such a weighted choice now. I'm not 19, fresh faced and dreaming only of myself! I'm a 30 year old Mom who has to choose to invest the family finances into herself to maybe, just maybe, return an investment in a career that's going to profit everyone. What major do I finish in? What career will have the most child-friendly hours yet still be fulfilling for me? Should I even bother with school or just find a decent office job? Am I just being a selfish cow? What if I'm stupid now and can't keep up with the classes?
Then the nightmares start...those ridiculous dreams where I haven't gone to class and I don't know where class is but there is a test and SHIT I'm going to fail. And Kevin gets in my face and wants to know what major I'm going to finish with and "Are you SURE that's what you want to do?" and I say yes, no, I don't know, GAWD, I WASN'T AROUND TO SECOND GUESS YOU WHEN YOU GOT YOUR MASTERS SO BACK OFF.
Then I do nothing but putz along in my current state of part-time everything and cry when census forms come and I check Highest Education Completed: High School while Kevin checks Post Graduate.
So what's my motivation NOW? Well, I'm not "opting out" anymore. I want my own career because I'm not satisfied by motherhood alone. And I realize that the work I'm doing right now--as Mom--is not something any illiterate moron with a vacuum cleaner and a handful of baby butt wipes could pull off. It's important work! And I'm never going to be able to shrug it off or hire it out, even if I manage to one-up Kevin with the letters trailing my name.
I have to be Mom, and I have to be Me. Duality. Balance. All that jazz.
So. For the first time in six years, I'm at peace with my motherhood. I'm not wrestling with the ridiculous Mommy Mystique found on every page of Redbook...and every channel of cable...and every film with a Mom role...and internet message boards where women bash each other...and even the Mommy blogs.
I know myself. I know my motivations. I finally figured it out.
16 comments:
That is fantastic! It sucks when you do not feel fulfilled. And when you have to find yourself again.
Oh also I wanted to tell you I missed you. I have been reading your blog for a long time and you always have something interesting to say.
I too am having this discussion with myself right now. I am however the opposite of you. I am a working mom, and my husband said he wants me to quit.. but things will be tight.. really tight, but I have never not had a job, and I miss putting my kids to bed nearly everynight.. It was nice to read your post and see that it goes both ways, and you have to find what works best for you. and honesly I was hoping to quit my job to find myself, instead of working full time, and being a full time mom, and a part tine student.. I'm tired, and I cant give 100% to just one thing, Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)
Im glad you figured it out.
The only thing I figured out is that I am not fit to have kids. Even if a huge part of that is because I am still too wrapped up in the whole career thing, do what I want thing, etc. I make apologies for that like it is a bad thing, but I don't think its fair that people look at it that way. If I was someone's mother, I think there would be measurable value in being lots of things--mom, wife, career woman, etc
but I am not sure, so here I sit
Holy crap do I love this.
& you know what I love most, as weird as it may sound? The whole "getting out of the workforce" thing. Not saying that every SAHM does, but if I stayed home, that would be an appealing reason to do it. To get THE HELL AWAY from the pressures & numbers & & reports where my neck is on the line & tantrums that adult men in suits throw on a daily basis. To know that the biggest pressure on me is to get the laundry done but at the end of the day, if it doesn't get done & the kid is still alive, then nobody's getting fired & risking their livelihood.
I don't say that to make light of SAHM's work. At all.
But this is the first time that I've read someone honestly say that part of the appeal of staying home is getting the hell out of the work force & I want to dry hump your leg for it.
@Blair - There is a side of feminism that claims all SAHMs are opting out and over-inflating the importance of themselves to cover up the fact that they "retreated to the home".
While it made me mad to read it, I knew it held a bit of truth. I didn't have the purest motives for getting pregnant. I think the order was more like:
1. I want a baby!
2. And I hate my job!
...but the "opt out" was a part of my decision.
But to slam SAHMs across the board? Nope. Doesn't fit. That's when it hit me that the Public Answer (Oh, I work because we need my income!) isn't the key, it's the Private Motive (I work because I don't think I can do as good a job as the professionals at the daycare center--I'm not a teacher!)
(Used that example just to show that the fears and doubts underlying our Mom decisions flop both ways.)
Recognizing my motives have helped to reveal a few fears and (weirdly enough) put me at ease.
Loved reading this! Thank you for an honest and realistic view of both sides.
I am a SAHM and find myself mourning the loss of my individuality and adult interactions often.
I feel like going back to work for me, specifically, would probably be more selfish than necessary, soooo I guess I'll succumb to the never-ending melding of the "extreme boredom" with the "never ever being 'caught up' because there is too much to do" that is motherhood. <~ that doesn't make sense but I know you know what I mean!)
PS. The Wiggles are going to be the end of me...
I can't speak to the positives of being a working mom (and I'm sure there are many) because I'm not one. I became a SAHM mom 14 years ago (temporarily, I thought) but it unexpectedly became permanent when my second child was born with medical problems and I had no relatives within several hundred miles to help me out.
It turns out that I was totally born to be a SAHM mom. I love it, my husband loves that I have total flexibility, and it suits my personality. I'm not a "people person", I hate office politics, and I grew to love taking care of my home and family. Who knew?
When people ask about my choice, I say, "If you want to stay home but find it boring, then plan your day accordingly: Outings, museums, mom's groups, preschool volunteering, exercise with your kids, crafts, cooking - whatever suits you. You have the power to control your day." I always looked at it like: I'm in charge of my day. If I'm bored, it's because I didn't do my job."
Renee
Yay you!
I went to school later in life and LOVED LOVED LOVED it! You will be AMAZED at how stupid, whiney, lazy, and self-absorbed straight-out-of-high school kids are. You will be brilliant and a super star because you are motivated, know what you want, have grown up and have a goal.
I can definitely relate. To all of it! From the getting out of retail hell to having to go back to wondering if this sahm gig is fulfilling for me.
I'm glad you have it figured out. I have a degree, but not in anything I'd be interested in now. I think that's a benefit to going back to school later in life, you actually know what you want instead of thinking you have it all figured out when you're 18. Good luck!
Love this post!
As a feminist, I've often wondered about everything that you've written about here. I don't have any kids (yet? never? dunno...), but your blog speaks to me.
Thanks for being so inspirational! And no pressure to keep inspiring, ha. ;-) I think that my favorite posts of yours are the ones where you just speak your mind and journal it out.
It sounds like you are at peace. I have to disagree on one thing, though it's all perspective of course. Almost all of my friends are still in the working world and I was looked down on...and still am...for my choice to stay at home (2 and 1 year old). It's irritating...like I'm wasting my potential. So it's interesting that you view culture as elevating the STAHM...I guess I haven't felt that!
Jaci,
what do you do when you hate being at home but you're scared to death of putting yourself into the workforce too?
Great that your struggle has ended on a good note. Your right, working moms are accused of not loving their kids as much as they love there work. A working woman who after getting married gives up her career for the sake of her kids can only know the dept of the sacrifice she's has made. But what I say is one should start working again once the kids reach a decent age of taking care of themselves. For the time being you can simply take up a hobby and get yourself involved in it. I know how boring it is to stay at home all the time.
What's Your Parenting Style?
Check out what your parenting quotient is.
http://www.3smartcubes.com/pages/tests/parentingstyle/parentingstyle_instructions.asp
Bravo!!! You found your balance - you found your niche. And it doesn't matter what anyone's opinion on it is - it's about you and where your groove is.
Post a Comment