Tricks I Stole From Other Mothers

1.  Touch it Once

No, not that "it".  Get your mind out of the gutter.

It's a cleaning mantra that means, "If you pick it up, go all the way with it."

...

Why does this keep sounding dirty? 

Maybe I should just use examples:  Take the laundry basket all the way upstairs rather than dumping it on the steps for later.  Put your water glass in the dishwasher instead of throwing it in the sink.  Put the loose Lego back in the box instead of scuffing it under the couch with your foot.  Touch it once.

LIFE CHANGING, mofos.  LIFE CHANGING.  I don't waste my time with half-assed chores anymore.  If I put my hands on it, I go all the way with it.

Yeah.  You heard me.  Prrrrr.

2.  Well, what would the pioneers do?

This is from my Grandma, and it's in regard to cooking.  This woman will make soup out of a box of spaghetti noodles and an old head of broccoli--or, potato soup out of instant mashed potato flakes which I DARE YOU TO EAT WITHOUT CHOKING.   She makes all these...ahem...substitutions...while blithely muttering, "Well, what did the pioneers do?  They ate what they had!"

It means, "Oh, to hell with running to the store for missing ingredients.  It's just food.  We'll have another chance to eat again in like, FIVE HOURS, so if this meal sucks DON'T WORRY!  There's another one coming."

Which, oddly enough, is very freeing for me whenever I make dinner.  It doesn't have to grace the cover of Snooty Foodie Homemaker.  It just has to be edible.

But I don't have her drawer-full of used sandwich baggies and worn out twist ties, because that is just WEIRD.  And a byproduct of growing up during The Depression.  I grew up in the 80's, so my drawer is full of hot pink scrunchies. 

Don't judge.

3.  Homework Wrestling

A very dear, mentor-ish friend of mine is the education department head at the local private college with hilariously expensive tuition rates.  And she is freaking awesome.  Anyway...she said that her son was a kinetic learner (say wha--?) and needed to move around in order to learn, so they taught him his spelling words with Beanie Baby Wars and wrestling matches for words he spelled right each night.

THIS IS BRILLIANT.  

Elizabeth is only in Kindergarten, land of no homework (so they claim), so we wrestle with sight words.  If she gets them all right, she gets 5 minutes to BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF DADDY.  (I'm the ref, because the ref just sits on the couch laughing and shouting out Daddy's weak spots.  THE UNDERARM!  DIG IN THERE!)  For everyone she misses (or whines about how she hates them) she loses a minute.

The girl begs to go over sight words.

4.  Buy Awesome Kid Foods

My best friend Myndi is beloved by children everywhere.  She's laid back.  She's nice.  And she always has a freezer full of fudgsicles.

I want to live at her house just to nosh on the food in her cupboards.  She's got name brand Fruit Loops!  The juice pouches that are all metallic and come with their own straw!  (What aisle are those even in?)  Wait...are those pizza rolls?!?

And?  AND?  She always has wine and beer stocked in her basement.  I BOW TO MYNDI AND HER MAD GROCERY SHOPPING SKILLS.  

Because seriously, yesterday I made Manwich Spaghetti thanks to pure laziness and....well...see Item #2 What Would the Pioneers Do?